Monday, June 7, 2010

Zumba Makes Me Laugh-Out-Loud


I talked Dani into going to Zumba with me on Saturday.
I've been telling her how awesome it is,
how the music makes you want to move,
the time flies by
and the instructors are great.

She believed me.
That was BEFORE the class started.

I'd never been on Saturday mornings
I know I said I was going before but for whatever reason,
Any-stinkin'-who,
We went on Saturday--
and there was a new Instructor,
Elody.
Who I am pretty sure is 
on crack.
Think Zumba
on crack.
She wasn't really on crack--
she had about 8 to 10 other Zumba instructors
in the class--
(they all had Zumba! shirts on too!)
she was showing them her stuff.
I saw this,
and yet 
I stayed.

The music cued up,
the instructor started "instructing"
and I use that term lightly--
she was a big honkin' show-off
is what she was--
and then I had a spiritual experience...
I started praying--
"Oh help me keep up,
Oh help me not die."--
and other assorted, varied pleas to 
my Maker.

Fifteen minutes in it,
my face is blotchy red,
I am sweating like a stuck pig in Mississippi,
and guess what, chicken butt?
So is everyone else.
I look over at Dani--
who is fiercely trying to keep up with
this maniac instructor--

I motioned for her to get a drink of water 
with me...
she followed.
"You don't have to do everything she says,
just keep moving. We've already done 30, I mean 15 minutes."
I say to her.
Dani asks,
"I thought you said this was fun?"
Takes a drink and asks,
"You coming back?"

Of course I went back.
How could I not?
I went back to my "spot"--
and noticed two young teenage girls
behind me,
I turned to a little blonde gal 
and said,
"I'm nearly 49 years old, 
and I may pass out, 
but don't worry--
my daughter is right there (pointing to Dani)
and she knows CPR."
The blondey smiled at me.

I went back to searching
for the salsa beat
for my feet to get in rhythm with--
and try as I might,
I couldn't make my body
move
like it was
on crack.
That's when it happened--
it was loud,
unrestrained
bordering hysterical--
laughter.
I couldn't hold it in--
this was insane!
How on earth did this instructor think
ANYONE 
without professional training
could keep up with her??
Yet, there I was--
twisting
turning
rhumba-ing
cha-cha-ing
spinning
twirling
touching my nose with my tongue
speaking Zumba-ese
with the best of 'em
and it was ridiculous!
I laughed so hard,
I couldn't breathe.
Well, I couldn't breathe anyway,
but oh-my-hex
a funny bone was hit with a sledge hammer
and I couldn't help myself.

Of the 50 or so women in the room,
maybe 20 knew what they were doing--
the rest of us
were making up our own steps
modifying the crazed instructor's steps
in the name of
Survival!
No longer was I praying for relief--
I was looking around me for a soft place to land!

I was moving my bahooey
to a latin beat
wearin BROWN sweats
and I started thinking I might make it
despite the evil instructor's effort to slay us all
with her bahooey-shakin' moves.
I was gonna live to tell the tale!
And you know you're a TRUE BLOGGER
when you're in this kind of situation
and start taking mental notes of just how
you're going to tell this story!
And then you curse yourself for not
bringing a camera--
cuz the pictures woulda told the story so much better!

Anyway
Anywayyyyy

A Shakira ("hips don't lie" gal) ballad
came on
and I knew the cool down was there.
There was a light at the end of the tunnel.
I had survived.
The paramedics were not called in--
there were no casualties Saturday at the YMCA.
We would all live another day to 
Zumba.
Which for me,
is tonight at 7:30pm.
Bring It.
Me and my brown sweats will be there!
And hopefully, Dani too.

Oh oh Oh!!
Gotta add this: When I checked my Body Bugg stats that night, it said I'd burned 1400 calories and did over 4000 steps in that one hour!!!!  Can you say, Worth the Pain??!

12 comments:

  1. I wanna know more about your Body Bugg.

    I love Zumba and wish I could spare the time and money to go weekly. But I'm doing my thang anyway. And I can Zumba at home anytime I want!

    I've been told that the instructor makes ALL the difference- I think you proved that!!

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  2. NO WAY!!!! You burned 1400 calories and did over 4000 steps in that one hour???? That is awesome!!
    And down here in Georgia we say, "Guess What? Chicken Snot".

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  3. You burned 1400 calories! WOW!!

    Zumba IS worth the price. But, perhaps, not for me. Because I WOULD have died.

    Seriously!

    =)

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  4. I'm so impressed! I've only looked at Zumba on TV, I've never attempted it much less being taught by a woman on crack!

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  5. I've taught dance, and that gal is just a crappy instructor. It can't be about you, it's gotta be about your students. Anyway, good for you for getting a laugh out of it, and hanging in there (plus a blog post--bonus points!) And what's this Body Bugg and when do we get to see your makeover?

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  6. I almost injured myself during Zumba. You're so funny!

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  7. Lol! Here's hoping you don't get the insane show-off next time! Nothing worse than an instructor doin' it for herself rather than her clients. Now go out and eat some cake, woman! You deserve it!

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  8. I mean, hi-la-ri-ous! And you are a true blogger to map out the post in your head.
    Is 1400 calories even possible in an hour? Hope you went home for ice cream after, cuz you deserved it!
    And how do you like a body bugg? I've thought about getting one, just out of curiosity.

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  9. LOL!!! I so want to try this out! I need a fun new workout regime.

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  10. I felt the same way when I went to Zumba! it is fun just to laugh at yourself sometimes. I haven't been to a zumba class for months. you inspired me I am going to go to a class this week? for sure by next week. love you!

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  11. @Tisha: Let me know how it goes?? love you mucho-mucho-grande-taco-ness.
    @Kazzy: Jump in! You will love it!
    @jen: 1400 calories is possible when you have a bahooey as big as mine. I had a slice of lemon meringue pie later, yes I did!
    @sarah: amen and amen. to the instructor and the dessert!
    @Moody: I knew you were a belly dancer (so cool!) but I didn't know you taught too! Makeover will be when you can look at me and say, "WOW! Now, that's a makeover!" Think 2011. lol
    @Nancy: I can totally see that happening...gots to be careful!
    @Tauna: C'monnnnn you know you want toooo.
    @Sue: I may die, but I will be 8 ounces lighter! lol
    @gigi: I told my yahoos about the "chicken snot"--too funny!
    @Liz: http://my.apexfitness.com/ Body Bugg info!

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  12. I watch those Zumba commercials and want to get up and dance with them. It looks SO FUN!!!

    I actually *thought* about trying to get a Zumba class for one of the CBC parties... because seriously? How fun would that be?!! Maybe next year!

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