It's 1:07 am, the day before Thanksgiving
and my mind is too awake to let my body sleep.
I haven't blogged since my return from Saudi in August
because I jumped right into school a week later and have been going full speed
since.
I vacillated between going to school or not this semester, because Mr. W has been out of work since the end of June. I knew it would be tough for me to focus on classes in this state of flux, but
I also knew that it would be good for me to stay busy and keep my eye on the goal of finishing
my Interior Design degree.
So, I took a deep breath and jumped into the rigors of 14 credits this semester, plus an internship, plus my home staging work.
I like to believe that I am a hopeful person;
That I look for the silver linings on cloudy days.
But some days, I'm not sure where to look for the silver lining.
In July, I created a poster for our family and titled it "Daily Blessings", a calendar with space for us to record each time we felt God's hand in our lives, and taped it to a closet door on the main level.
It was to remind us of the good days on particularly hard days.
We did pretty good at writing on it in July. But then I came back from Saudi and never made an August poster. Or September. Or October. Or November.
We were all so busy with school and work and family there wasn't time beyond our efforts in those areas to do much else.
So I turned to my personal journal and in the midst of this unemployment spell, I started recording more diligently, heavenly help and answers to prayers.
I have to say that in June when Mr. W was initially unemployed, I thought to myself that this trial would be over quickly. Afterall, he'd just finished another degree in Project Management, from Colorado State University in May, graduating with honors. So I thought this was a trial that resolve quickly.
I set imaginary deadlines or targets for his new employment:
-By the time I returned from Saudi
-By the time school started
-By October
-By Halloween
-By our Anniversary (November 7th)
-By the time our planned trip to California came in November ( the kids went w/o us)
-By Thanksgiving
He's interviewed for a few different companies here in Colorado, but mostly in Oregon and Washington state. Jobs that he's well-qualified for, some he is over-qualified.
But it's the day before Thanksgiving and no offers yet.
This experience has been hard.
I have prayed for understanding often; for clarity and direction. Prayed for strength and peace. Prayed for heavenly help. On my knees, standing in the kitchen, in my closet, in the car, in the temple, at church, in school, at work...etc and etc.
In the midst of this trial, we got a call from a YSA Bishopric asking us to take in a young woman and help her get prepared for BYU-I in January. When the call came, I was surprised. I asked Brother B, on the phone, "Are you sure you have the right family? Who referred you to us?"(Because surely, the Lord knows we are not in a position to be of help to anyone else, right?) He told us, "Your Bishop did. I know you guys. I know your family. I knew you'd be awesome."
Mr. W and I looked at each other and nodded. Well, Bishop H knows exactly what's going on with us. If he thinks we can do this, then we CAN do this.
Sister C, a 28 yo gal from Hawaii moved in the next week. She is sweet and kind. She also has Asperger's and needs lots of guidance. I helped her enroll in college and apply for FAFSA and helped her find a job that fit her needs and abilities. We are teaching her how to cook and clean and other things like how to wear makeup and fix her hair. Noone else in her life has given her this kind of support before, she says.
Isn't it weird how we think that we cannot possibly be of service to someone else when we feel like we're not in a good position to help? I could think of dozens of families in our area, who are more well off and capable of helping this young woman than we are. Seriously! And yet, here we are.
One morning while I was deep in thought and prayer again, this thought came to my mind:
As we lived with our Father in Heaven in the Pre-existence (before this Life),
we made covenants with Him. The first was to follow Jesus Christs' plan of happiness: to come to this earth, to receive a body and within the laws of Free Agency, do our best to live His Commandments. Heavenly Father's part of that covenant is His promise that this Life would prepare us to return to Him and continue to progress eternally with our families.
So, here I am. The choice I made is obvious. I chose to follow Christ's plan. And I'm down here on this crazy earth, doing what I know how to do--raising a family, living the gospel, serving others, and keeping my part of that sacred covenant.
What I FINALLY get, is that these trials I'm facing, indeed ALL of the trials I've faced thus far, are exactly what Heavenly Father promised to present to me, as part of HIS covenant with me.
He is true to His word. He said he'd prepare me to become more like His Son through this mortal experience, and that's what I agreed to, trusting in His love for me.
I don't know why I have a different perspective. Or why I am only now seeing this with clarity, when it's just so obvious, but it has made a difference.
I created another poster then taped it to my fridge, "Heavenly Father help me to Remember my covenants with you."
We're still uncertain of the future. And while I wish there were no other trials aside from this on my plate, this isn't the only one. My special needs son, Dean, is having brain surgery on December 21st to remove a tumor that's grown from scar tissue.
I just have no words that adequately express how I feel about that.
My plate of trials is full right now. Ha ha. "right now", I always say that as if there are days when it's not full of trials in one form or other.
I had a meltdown just yesterday morning. I've had bronchitis for a week and was just feeling overwhelmed. I prayed in my closet for heavenly relief. Just this utter surrender and prayer for peace.
Then I got busy with the day and as it unfolded, I felt peaceful. As in, full of hope and peace in the future.
It's now 2:08AM. The day before Thanksgiving.
I am Thankful. I am Grateful....for all of my blessings and trials and clarity.
It's a good Thanksgiving.
