Torturing Your Kids: Tips From the Field

From Birth to about 5 years old...
Sorry, but there's not many practical torturing tips for this age bracket. The "torturing" is happening on the other end...and it's not yours. However, you can play pranks on little kids in a good spirit and teach them to have a sense of humor. This will prepare them for later years.

*"Gotcher Nose" can go either way...it can equally delight or frighten young children. And if you've more than one child, it could elicit more than one reaction.

* How to Get your Child to keep their seat belts on/stay in their carseat: True story...Boofus and Caboose kept unlocking their carseats WHILE I was driving. After pulling over more than a dozen times in a day, I'd had it...I was racking my brain for something I could say that would get their attention. Then, "Jeff" was born! This is the actual conversation (As best as I can remember it):
"Hey, if one of you unlocks your seatbelt one more time, I will do to you what I did to your brother, Jeff."
Boofus: "I don't know Jeff."
"That's right, you don't. And you know why you don't? Because he kept getting out of his careseat and I had to leave him under a bridge on the side of the road. So you better keep your seat belts on!"
Honest to goodness, I never had a problem again with seatbelts or carseats. I am not kidding.
That lie saved my kids lives. It wasn't until about two years later that "Jeff" came up again, and I confessed.

Ages 5-infinity:
More Pranks...
Some take preparation...like short-sheeting their beds. You can do that while they're at school.

Some take creativity...like replacing boys' shoe laces with pink laces.

Kid won't get off the phone after several warnings? Put the phone on SPEAKER and turn up the Volume.

Kid won't put down the cell phone? Hide it. Then let them hunt for it by calling it from another phone. Hide it really good to make it more fun. for you. places like the freezer, the sugar jar, the dogfood bin, a shoe in the shoe basket, under a mattress. you get the idea.

Kids ignoring you? The next time they try to talk to you, act like you don't hear them. Or speak to them in another language--spanish, pig-latin, sign language...doesn't matter. Have fun with it.
This is especially effective if they're really really in a hurry!

Teens tryin' to take over your car radio? Put it on the Spanish station...then sing along. For the full embarassing effect, do it when they have friends in the car.

Can't get the kids to the dinner table? Sick of them saying, "ONE MINUTE!"?? Serve whose there and hide the rest of the food or turn on the fan over the stove to make it all cold. Now, that's just mean, isn't it? mwahaha

Also, we have a rule: Whomever doesn't come up and help make dinner, set the table, etc., gets automatic dish duty. That's right, just a little twist on the Little Red Hen. Daisie gets to do dishes almost every Saturday morning because she likes to sleep in and just surfaces when she knows we're sitting down for the meal.

Kid doesn't want to go to Church? Tell them to call the Bishop and ask if they can stay home. Tell them that if the Bishop says they don't need to come that day, they have your permission to stay home. Offer to call the Bishop for them.

Kid doesn't want to go to School? "Let's call your teacher and see if she'll come over and help you get dressed this morning for school. I just know I have her number here."

And my most-used torturing phrase when a child is being uncooperative, obstinate, rude, and otherwise rotten: "That's alllllllllright. You just do what you want. You need me more than I need you. Remember this moment the next time you need a ride or five bucks or a favor...cuz I know I will." Try it. You'll like it.

What about you? Wanna share your Torturing Momma Secrets??