It's How You Ask The Question: Talking to Pre-teens

Last weekend,
in an effort to give the youngest two yahoos
something to do while I was at work,
besides sit on their laptops or in front of the TV--
I took them to Home Depot and let them choose a color
to paint their own bedrooms.

Arianna chose a lovely, "Lavender Verbena"
while Joseph chose a neutral tan called "Tobacco Leaf".

They helped one another get set up
by moving furniture,
laying down the drop cloths,
taping where needed,
and then they got busy painting
on their own.

Now, this was part of my plan
to get them to actually clean their rooms--
both needed to go through things,
thin out closets and drawers
to get ready for another school year.
And their rooms hadn't been painted since we moved in
two years ago.
Seemed like the perfect way to get them motivated.

The room painting went well.
Perfect, really.
By Saturday afternoon, they were finished.
We bought new bedding for each--
Ari found hers at Marshalls,
while Joseph found his at Ross.

To make putting their rooms back together
more of a game,
and to get them motivated to really do a thorough cleaning,
I offered up a "money prize" for the person
who filled the most garbage + giveaway bags--
relative to each person.

Well, that worked!
They got busy and thinned their stuff out
just as I had hoped.
When it came time to pay the winner--
(we had already decided to pay them both),
they pouted about the amount of the prize money.
Twenty dollars, each.

We were shocked
for all the logical reasons--
and said so to them...
they each went to their rooms in a huff.

Kent & I just looked at each other in disbelief.
What the heck happened?
How did we raise such "entitled" kids?

We were embarrassed for them and us.
What was supposed to be fun and rewarding
for all of us,
ended badly.

I sat at the desk and then did some research on
"entitled kids" for a few minutes.
I came across alot of articles & videos on the topic.
Apparently,
we are not the first parents to have this dilemma.
Whew!
Linda and Richard Eyre have a whole book about it,
called, "The Entitlement Trap".
They've also given several interviews on the subject
which we sat and viewed together;
there are also many other professional family counselors
who've spoken on the subject
and we read and watched those too.

THEN,
we called the two yahoos back to the loft office--
one at a time and used our new-found tools on them,
to make some corrections and come to a better understanding.

Here's how it went down:
First, we asked the pre-teen how they wanted us to talk to them:
"Do you want us to talk to you as an adult or as a child?"

This was an important question...it took them by surprise, actually.
Both responded, "an adult."

Okay.
Then we went back over what had happened:

"When we offered to let you paint your room to make it your own space,
that was US being kind and supportive of your personality and taste,
and showing confidence in your abilities.  Noone told us we had to do that, we just did.
We provide a safe, comfortable home for you, we make sure you go to nice schools, and you always have enough food--those are essentially the basics in parenting and we do our part.
And while it is part of being an adult to care for one's own personal space and possessions, we thought it would be FUN to interject some competition by offering a money prize in there for you both.  Again, noone told us we had to do that, we just wanted to--it makes us happy.
We planned on giving you both the same amount--to go to the movies, or to spend on  little errands or whatever you wanted, because it made us happy to give you a GIFT.
Somehow, it came across that we OWED you for taking care of your things--we do NOT owe you for taking care of the items in your room, as we ALREADY bought them for you. Caring for them is your part."

I'll stop here with our conversation, as it continued for just a little bit in a more personal way for each of the kids.

I want to share here though, that it worked.
The way we spoke to them, from the outset, worked.
It ended any rolling of eyes, stomping of feet, protests of power or blame or what-abouts--
nothing else happened.

There was not a payment of twenty dollars to either of them--
it was forfeited when the game was deemed "unfair" by both of them.

I found that explaining what my intent was, in clear terms helped alleviate any remaining angst,
and I learned that from now on, if I decide to reward my children for any reason,
that I make it clear to them what that reward is based upon--
either it is "GIFT" on my part,
or a result of their hard work--and in that case, the amount will be agreed upon up front.
At the end of our discussion the other night,
we laid all of this out for the future so we don't repeat the mistakes of the past.

What I learned from these professionals:
* An "entitled kid" isn't born-- he/she is created by the parents.
*Communication is essential.
*Identifying what is a "gift" to a child and what is "an earned reward" is essential--not just for a family, but for their lifetime.
* Asking if they're ready to be treated as an adult sets the tone for the conversation...it brings us to a common expectation and a level of respect.
* It is never too late to learn and teach these principles of parenting and relationships.

These little things work for us and I will continue to use them.