I had a rough night. Ever have on of those nights where you re-play certain events of the day OVER n OVER n OVER, until you are so sick of thinking, you find yourself getting peeved with your own brain?
I had one of those nights. As I "SHARED" yesterday, our good friend/second-daughter decided she wants to become a member of the Church we belong to...and part of that process includes baptism. Well, that sly devil, Satan himself, that "puke" as I call him, poked his ugly head in and caused a stir.
Taylow's father came over and to my surprise, accused me of "betraying" him! At first I was taken aback. Then I asked him why he felt that way.
"Well, I entrusted the care of my daughter to you, and you know I belong to [another faith] (he said which faith, but I'm not going to say which, because it really doesn't matter)--and now she wants to belong to yours."
(Hmmm. Yep, that's true, I thought. How did it get to this?)
"Well, Taylow's been coming to my house since she was 7 years old--[every day after school, every weekend, all summer long, Christmas breaks (even this past Christmas, when he took his current wife and their daughter to Palm Springs for a "family Christmas break" and left Taylow with us in our care...she wasn't invited.!!!),she came to our home in Idaho, she keeps her clothes here, she spends the night here even on school nights]-- so just as you might send a child to China who knows no chinese, after awhile, they're gonna learn Chinese. This is a house full of Mormons...she's picked up the lingo simply by being here. We've never sat down with her and "talked" to her about our faith. That wouldn't be right--in fact, it would be under-mining you and your ex-wife. And frankly, I've got a house full of kids, and have no inclination to be responsible for another one on that level. So, no, I've not betrayed your trust."
Well then this poor fellow sorta vented for the next half hour about how miserable he is about his failed 1st marriage and failing 2nd marriage, and "this" is just one more thing he has to deal with, and "just wants it all to go away!" Un-hunh. I see that. I understand your feelings. And how long have you felt this way, sir? Yeah? Okay go on."
"Well", says he, " I know you have a great family here. I even told Taylow to look for a better example in her friends' homes of what happy marriages and family life look like. I told her that. Because, well, because our family is very very dysfunctional, and I know that's not good. I even told her when she was younger to watch YOUR family--but I never wanted her to become a Mormon. Not ever. Not while she is under my roof!" (Did he just give me a back-handed compliment?)
Hmmm. Okay. And now that she's eighteen and can choose for herself who/what/how she wants to express her faith, you feel she has been what?--brainwashed? un-duly influenced?" (And if she doesn't choose YOURS, she is exiled? Oh that's true love right there, sir. You should write a book on it.--I didn't say that outloud)
He got antsy and exassperated, tossed his hands up in the air a few times. I felt sorry for him.
What would you like me to do, sir? How can I help you?
"I don't want anyone to...to...to influence her, except Me. It's my job as her father to show her how to properly worship, noone else's."
"Okay." I said. "So let me make sure I understand what you want from me--You do not want me to talk about or express my faith to your daughter while she is in my home, under any circumstances--is that right? "
He shakes his head affirmatively.
"Okay. Well, I've never done that purposefully TO her, and at the same time, let me just tell you that I love your daughter. She's easy to love. She's a good young woman, and she's always, as far as I have ever seen, been obedient to her parents. She's smart, intelligent--(my goodness, she's just gotten scholarships to both Nebraska and Baylor--so we know she's smart!)--and I trust her judgement about the path she wants to take in life. We love her no matter what Church she belongs to, and she knows that. We love her unconditionally. And because of that, we'll support whatever choice she makes. She's seen my house turned upside down when the youngest were babies...she has seen the good, the bad, and the ugly here, we've never put on a facade around her. And you can ask her about that. So to make any sense of this, we're the same as always and couldn't change if we wanted to around here to influence your daughter"....(heavens, I'm doing all I can to influence my own kids, it never occurred to me that I was influencing some one else's child.)
And on and on it went for another 15 minutes...then, it was as if all of the air in his lungs expired, he had nothing left to say.
So this experience rambled on and on in my brain all night. It was unsettling. How can ANYONE be so ignorant as to think the environment their child is engulfed in, doesn't affect them? Heavens, isn't that why we have "choice" schools, "charter" schools, and the myriad of other activities and clubs that we as parents carefully ponder as to what is best for our child? AND!--When did I become accountable to him? This isn't Burger King, fella, you cannot have it your way! (Should I tell him that in fact, this is closer to Dairy QUEEN...we have a select menu, no substitutions...you want a Peanut Buster parfait, dang it, you're getting peanuts not pecans!--there's an analogy in that one...I'm sure of it.)
UGH! What he wanted was a babysitter. Someone to care for his child while he was doing whatever he's been doing these past 10 years. Only, he never interveiwed me beforehand to inform me of his expectations..."You may care for my child, don't let them run with scissors or cut their own hair, feed them when hungry, include them in everything you do to make them feel valued b/c I don't have the time, but whatever you do, don't teach them to pray or to do any of that other stuff". He wanted her to watch our ways, but not adopt them. Am I the only person who sees this man as foolish & selfish? Or is it selfish and foolish? How about if I capitalize it: FOOLISH AND SELFISH. yeah, that's better.
Well, he left--with his demands out in the open--with his pride in his hand. And his tearful daughter on my couch. We hugged her, loved on her, and cried with her.
The only things I said to her last night was "things will work out." And they do. They always do.
People make sacrifices for their faith every day, all over the world. It causes the thought to rise in me that there is indeed this inherent, innate force within each of us that speaks to our whole being and it drives us to give up all we have, if need be, in search of our Creator, to have a relationship with Him that surpasses every other relationship we have on this earth. And the realization of that search is rewarded beyond any earthly reward imaginable. It is worth what it costs.
And I have a headache.
As far as I remember, you had an experience along these lines with your own parents when you were younger, right? I think that you can give her support and love like no one else could. It sounds to me like you did your best with the father, but I still understand why you had a sleepless night!
ReplyDeleteI hope her father doesn't let this ruin his relationship with his daughter. My mother's father was very against her joining as a 17-yr-old, but only a year later he joined too. Of course then he became inactive quickly...but a decade later he reactivated and hasn't looked back since. Things do always work out, though not always in our time frame.
I did. And it was hard, but again, it was right for me. There has never been a moment in 30 years where I wondered if I had made the right choice for me. I prayed, got an answer and never looked back, even when my own parents kicked me out of their house for it. It was worth the cost.
ReplyDeleteOh, I am so sorry you had to experience that! My guess is this man is feeling a bit like a failure after having one marriage fall apart and problems with the second, and now his daughter wants to abandon his beliefs. In that way I feel bad for him, but how sad that he can't just be happy for her in her happiness. It is too bad you can't just tell him it isn't just because of your example, it is because it is the truth, and he might want to listen as well--but I am sure he won't be open to that.:-) How lucky for his daughter though, that you have been there for her all these years and can be there for her now. I do feel for you, and wish you the best.
ReplyDeleteNot while she's under his roof? Seems that she hasn't really been under his roof for quite a while -- and that's a good thing. She's 18, she has two offers for free education, I hope she's strong enough to stand up for what she believes in and for what she wants to belong to.
ReplyDeleteJoy & Amy: thanks for your comments. She met with the missionaries again last night, at her request. We're just the cheerleaders for her and feel confident she will do what is best for her. And some good news is that yesterday she got a call from her dad that was in a softer tone. Prayers are being answered.
ReplyDeleteThe Lord does indeed work in mysterious ways. The father was voicing frustration over his own weaknesses and it is easier to vent about something else then to address the real problems. This little gal has found a safe harbor in you and has seen the beauty of your beliefs and you will be blessed for your efforts (I know that is not why you did what you did for this sweet girl). All things DO work out for our good and your story helped to prepare you to help her. (and anyone else that reads this. I love the fact that we constantly have the opportunities to face Satan down with not only truth but logic. I am cheering for you and your family and for this dear young woman.
ReplyDeleteRoxanne