Receiving The Gift"For what doth it profit a man if a gift is bestowed upon him, and he receive not the gift? Behold, he rejoices not in that which is given him, neither rejoices in him who is the giver of the gift." D&C 88:33
This Chapter was one that has made a lasting effect on me. Because I have made mistakes, even sins in my life, I have struggled to get past them, allowing the true peace of the Atonement into my life...to permeate my heart. Even after doing all I could to make proper amends, I felt that if I didn't continually apologize for my errors, then I wasn't truly repentant. And because some of mistakes affected others, it seemed appropriate to let them hang it over my head. Afterall, I had hurt them. Even tho I had done all I could to do better and be better, if they wanted to point a finger at me and place blame on me for something in their own lives that was affected by my choices--I felt they had the right to do that. Their accusations would sting my heart, but if that's what they needed to do to forgive me then okay. I counted my pain insignificant to theirs.
I. was. wrong.
That behavior served no good purpose, as is spelled out in this chapter. A few of the passages that confirm this to me:
Self-Forgiveness:
*Shows others what it means to be both a fallen mortal and a faithful believer.
*Sets an example for those we love so they will know they can forgive themselves too.
*People we love can learn about self-forgiveness by seeing us take responsiblity for our errors, make sincere apologies and changes, and then LET GO. They benefit from hearing us say, "I feel so bad about that, and I've done what I can to make it right. Please forgive me."
*When I can find compassion for the wounded, blinded, and disappointing aspects of myself, I can be more empathetic with those same qualities in others. I can better offer others forgiveness and better receive the forgiveness they offer me."
* Self-forgiveness steers us away from depression, anxiety, anger, and resentment, all of which canker relationships.
* Sets us free from our pre-occupations with our weaknesses so we can concentrate on contributing our strengths.
Self-Forgiveness Benefits Us:
*We don't have to be better, stronger, busier, more important, or more self-sacrificing than others in order to compensate for our enormous failures, all the while believing that we can never really succeed at these bigger-than-life things because we have already proven our badness. When we can receive the forgiveness God offers us, it can be enough to allow us to do ordinary things without trying to be superman or superwoman. We can take satisfaction and pleasure in commonplace goodness.
And then the chapter goes on about the difference between Shame and Guilt...and what they can teach us, both negatively and positively.
*Shame is akin to embarrassment...being late to dinner, putting our elbows on the table, burping in public...nothing inherently wrong in our character.
Excessive Shame is a precursor to self-hatred...causes depression, withdrawal from family, friends, and suffocates our true self, making us want to hide.
* Guilt is what responsible people feel when they both know they have done something wrong and believe this wrongdoing does not represent who they truly are or what they truly value. Guilt motivates us to repent--to change, confess, reconcile with those we've hurt, and distance ourselves from our wrong behavior instead of from other people.
* Normal shame can motivate us to be sensitive to others' expectations and not become a law unto ourselves.
*Healthy guilt must be endured if we are to both uphold our own ideals and keep trying when we fall short.
The entire chapter is full of directive inspiration and Hope--something we all need as we live and move thru this life's journey, right? I know. I need Hope every day of every week. And I need to teach my children to be Hopeful, to know the difference between Guilt & Shame, Self-Forgiveness and Repentance...because Satan is a puke. He is indeed the Father of all Lies...his biggest lie is that our Father in Heaven doesn't love us as much as He says He does...that His love is not Open for us all, that is it limited instead of limitless. And thus, Satan, that old liar, pokes at us, and whispers in our ear there is no hope for us...utter hogwash.
Wendy's final thoughts on this Chapter:
I can imagine someone who struggles to really receive God's mercy thinking " Swell, I'm so imperfect that I'm even imperfect at being imperfect. Now I just feel guilty that I continue to feel guilty!" YES-- we are imperfect even at accepting being imperfect. SO this is as good a thing as any to practice not berating ourselves for. Instead we should humbly accept our imperfection as a weakness of the mortal condition that we may struggle with. And even in this God can show us mercy and love. Even this we are given room to grow into. Even in our failure to receive His mercy for our failures, He will gently lead us along, blessing us and those we love."
I am at the hospital with my mother who is in ICU (her prognosis at the moment is "cautiously optimistic") and brought my computer and book with me today so I could write my comments.
ReplyDeleteThis was my favorite chapter so far. In the beginning I didn't think this book really applied to me very much but I was eager to read it to see how I could help others. This chapter changed that for me. What really struck me was part of the "self blames sneaky benefits". I really saw myself in that--although I didn't realize until reading the book I did this but . . .
What I do is the whipping myself before God does it. I realized that often when I do something wrong, I am quick to confess but along with my confession I express how bad I feel, how terrible I am for doing what I did etc., etc., I realized that part of the reason I do this is because I fear what punishment God will give me and so I hurry and try to "take care of it myself". If I whip myself, He doesn't have to.
Of course that doesn't really make sense. God never punishes the repentant, he punishes the unrepentant. So, I think if I were truly repentant of whatever it is I have done, I wouldn't be worrying about what punishment I would get but would also be humble enough to accept God's will. The fact that I want to take care of it myself, shows me that perhaps I might feel bad, but in my heart, I haven't truly repented. Anyway, that was very revealing to me.
I loved the quote where she says, "Instead of working overtime to be in control, we work to deepen our trust in God . .." I think that is something I need to do better.
One more quote (there were many but I don't want to go on forever) that I really appreciated was the one about how we need to give up hope of having a better past and begin working toward a new normal instead of fighting to return to the old normal. I tried so hard for a long time to return to the "old normal" in one situation in my life and it is never going to happen. Some things just can't be undone. It is hard for me to accept that I can't go back and make another decision. My life is very good, but there is one choice I made a few years ago that caused a lot of pain and it has been hard for me to accept that. But life is what it is and I just need to move forward making the best of what I have, and in some ways life now is better than it was because of what I have learned from my mistake, but it is still difficult for me to never be able to make everything better.
So these are my comments this week. I look forward to next week as well.
Joy: Thank you so much for your honesty...I have found that the more mercy I need, the easier it is to give to others needing mercy.
ReplyDeleteI too, try to punish me before God has to...instead of believing that His love is not a condemning love, it is eternal and exalting.
Please know my thoughts and prayers are with you and your mom at this hour.