So I have to put this out there for young mothers...
While shopping yesterday, I found myself in the same area of a young-ish Mom (in her late 20's to early 30's) with two children. One was in tears...just sobbing...he looked to be about 9 or 10 years old. He was begging for his mother's heart to open to him. Apparently, he had been un-truthful or dishonest in school. I was trying to NOT listen, so the details are fuzzy. All I could hear her say was how she could never trust him again and he deserved whatever he got in the way of retribution from some kid at school.
She was hateful, honestly. He continued to apologize. Over and Over. What he wanted was her forgiveness.
This mother was so bent on "teaching him a lesson" that she was teaching him nothing about being honest, about being able to repent and be better for the sake of being better.
I don't even know if I'm saying this right. I was so dissappointed for them both. She was humiliating him in public.
I wanted to go over to her and say, "I see your frustration, but this is not how you teach a child to be honest. He knows what he did was wrong--now he's asking for your forgiveness. Be his Mother. Be compassionate. Slow down and see what your words are doing to his little self. This is not going to end well long term. Reassure him that he can be better and that you still love him--while he still cares what you think. If this is how you react to his mistakes, he will stop seeking your approval. Oh be wise."
I wanted to go over to her and say, "I see your frustration, but this is not how you teach a child to be honest. He knows what he did was wrong--now he's asking for your forgiveness. Be his Mother. Be compassionate. Slow down and see what your words are doing to his little self. This is not going to end well long term. Reassure him that he can be better and that you still love him--while he still cares what you think. If this is how you react to his mistakes, he will stop seeking your approval. Oh be wise."
I see young moms all the time ranting and raving at their little ones in public. Usually, the little tike is tired but Mom is on a shopping kick and doesn't want to stop. Have you seen Moms and toddlers out shopping at 10 pm at night and she is yelling at the kids to stop whining? For crying out loud--those babies need to be in bed! Grab the milk and go home!
Have you ever seen a child beg for their Momma to hold them or just accept their hugs but the Momma pushes them away because she's upset? Don't do that. After awhile, they'll stop asking you to accept them. You're teaching them to stay away. To be cold for reasons they can't possibly understand.
Babies stay little for a little while. Love them while you can. Hold them with both hands. Be quick to forgive. Love them endlessly. Teach them that while You are the center of their world, Your World would cease without them. Oh, be wise.
Momza,
ReplyDeleteI have been out of town so therefore out of the loop and just found out about the great and wondrous news. Congrats, Congrats, Congrats!!!!! What a wonderful time you are embarking on as a new grandma. It has been one of the most fulfilling experiences of my life. Just today I went over to Jen's house as I have been out of town for a few days and I needed a hug from my baby boy Faize! (he gives the best hugs in the entire world) It makes every ill thing in the world go away and the sun is shining brightly despite the weather. I am so excited for you!
Roxanne
Excellent and beautiful advice.
ReplyDeleteWhen I was pregnant, I remember the moment when my husband and I vowed that we would do our best to not be "that" kind of parent. We were in church and a mother and her 6ish year old daughter were in front of us. The girl cried and clung to her mom, seeking comfort, acceptance, forgiveness. Who knows. She had done something to upset her mom. And the mom was cold. She glared at her. She pushed her away.
It broke our hearts.
My kids can definitely frustrate me. Anger me. It's really hard to embarass me so I won't go that far. And even when I need to be firm, I'm still loving. And I tell my kids that. "I'm angry and I still love you."
You inspire me! Thank you for this! I always try and put Cailyns emotions on the top of my list and make sure she feels like she is getting the attention she's seeking. I'm getting pretty good at knowing her limitations when it comes to shopping too long or just being too busy. Even at such a young age I feel she needs all the structure and attention to details as older children. We keep it pretty simple around here! Mommy listen to baby, Baby listen to Mommy.
ReplyDeleteYour post was heartbreaking. I wish you could have gone over and talked with the mother, but we know she would not have received it very well. I felt bad for her as I read your post because I think she probably didn't know a better way to parent. I learned a lot about parenting over the years and wish I could go back and make up for the mistakes I made with my older children. The good news is they are great kids and responsible adults. But still, I wish I knew then what I know now.
ReplyDeleteYou're definitely right on this, and it's a sad story. I'm big on setting limits and having good discipline, but not without showing an increase of love to the children afterwards. None of it works without the love...and the forgiveness.
ReplyDeleteAnd speaking of children, I didn't know you were going to be a grandma. Congratulations! That's the most fun I've had so far. You are gonna love it!!
=)
I've just started walking, too. I'm finally beginning to enjoy it...at first, it seemed like a chore.
ReplyDeleteA lot of what you said struck a chord with me...the senioritis (boy, do I remember that!), the buying of way too many little outfits now that you know a grandbaby is on the way...and the determination to be a grandma that is really "there" for your grandchild. Unfortunately, my grandkids live several hours from me, but they do visit often. In the meantime, I send little notes and cards, pictures and gifts, etc. to keep in touch.
How rewarding to help others bring children into the world...and staging houses sounds like fun, too. If you were to stage my house you'd have to move out about half the junk I have crammed in here. I am way too much of a collector!
=)
My sentiments exactly and very well said ! Welcome to the wonderful and magical world of Grandmas...there's nothing better LOL
ReplyDeleteI agree wholeheartedly with you. I had three kids a year apart each...which made going to church trying as trying can be. After one long day I was frustrated as hubby was out of town...again. I gave them hugs, but they were so worn they needed naps.At the ages of 2,3 & 4 I lead them through the hallway out to the cars I found myself nearly chanting..."They're children of God, they're children of God," over and over in my head as I whispered it so low they could not hear.
ReplyDeleteMy Releif Society president overheard me and smiled remembering her little ones.
"Hang in there , Mom," she whispered as my crying little troupe followed me outside.
A good reminder! I think I've been on both ends of your scenario, sad to say. I always feel really bad after yelling at my kids for something that's not a big deal. *sigh* I do know that I TRY to be a good mom.
ReplyDeleteEveryone's comments are so appreciated. That was just a sad situation...even my kids were looking at me to go talk to the lady, but I knew it wouldn't have helped.
ReplyDeleteAnd yes! I wanna ROCK as a Granma! Thanks for the encouragement!!
I hate seeing things like this too. It's so sad. I also hate to see the parents who let their kids do ANYTHING and don't stop them. I saw these two little boys kicking holes in a cardboard display in a grocery store and the mom didn't say a word to them. Yikes.
ReplyDeleteI'm just gonna wipe my eyes, blow my nose, and hope like crazy that wasn't me and try to be a better, more loving huggy forgiving nice mom.
ReplyDeleteThanks for the reminder.