Today is Dean's Birthday.
He's 24 today.
We won't see him today, but he'll spend the weekend with us and we'll celebrate then.
It's a time for reflection for me, when I think about this Celestial boy who holds my heart in the palm of his hand.
Raising a Celestial Child is not always a Celestial experience most days. It remains the single hardest thing my Heavenly Father has asked me to do on my Journey.
When Dean was born, I was 23 years old. He was my 3rd child in two years. I brought him home from the hospital on David Scott's 2nd birthday. We didn't realize Dean wasn't perfect for a couple more months. I was induced for his birth b/c I was supposedly overdue by the Doctor's records, but not by mine. Dean had a reaction to the pitocin--a known side affect--fetal asphyxiation. He didn't breathe for 10 minutes on his own at birth. IN fact, on his medical record is stated, "Stillborn but revived." So that lack of oxygen left him with cerebral palsy we would find out when he was 6 months old.
At first, I noticed he slept alot--but with two other children I counted that a blessing. I didn't know his brain had been traumatized and that was all he was capable of doing...sleeping. healing.
When I did take him to his well-baby appointments, the Dr. said because of the birth, Dean might be a little slower to develop and I should not compare him to the other children. Okay then.
By 4 months, Dean wasn't rolling over. He wasn't arching. Or grabbing. Or cooing. I made an appointment with a neurologist, Dr. Raun Melmud at Phoenix Children's Hospital. It took 6 weeks to get in. Once we were in tho, it only took Dr. Melmud 10 minutes to diagnose Dean.
Cerebral Palsy. I've shared before the immediate flood of emotions I felt and so I won't go into that again.
But Dean became the focus of my world. We were at Phoenix Children's Hospital and the St Joseph's Hospital 5 days in 7...his PT appt was 7am 3 days a week. I took the older kids with me to most appointments. The PT or OT would reward Dean and David Scott and Danielle with stickers for good behavior. I started putting those stickers in a journal for all of them...they got alot of stickers. Sometimes they wanted to wear the stickers on their clothes tho, so they did. Still, Dani & David Scott had to sit and be patient for hours and hours at the hospital...for 3 years.
On the flip side, I could take them anywhere in the Universe and receive compliments for how well-behaved they were.
When Dean finally started walking at nearly 5 years old, he was a sweet little angelic boy. Everywhere we went he drew people to his side with his bright blue eyes, blonde hair and huge smile. He was easier to take care of...no longer did we have to carry him everywhere or always have his stroller. He could walk with his walker and liked his independence.
As his hormones changed, so did he. He became unpredictable, impatient, demanding, violent, frustrated as often as he would be sweet, funny, cooperative and helpful. We just never knew from moment to moment what he would do.
We changed our behavior to prevent his outbursts. Sometimes it worked, and equally sometimes it didn't. He was sweet and attentive at school and church, but saved his temper for Home. He began having outbursts at school once in a blue moon and by the time he graduated HS, we knew something had to give. He was frankly, driving me crazy. I couldn't do enough to keep him busy and occupied--somedays it was more than frustrating. I didn't know what else to do. After a series of very violent outburst at home, one scared me, I PRAYED my guts out for help!
With what I believe was Divine Intervention, we found a program for Dean and he qualified to go to the TOP of the list...the waiting list that was 15 years long. I am not kidding. He went right straight to the Top. It was a host-home placement. We tried different homes before finding the right one...and we had to move to Fort Collins to find that one. He was there for 4 years until his care began to decline, and after a few more moves (which I shared here last year), he is in a host-home that is perfect for him. We love his caregiver and feel his quality of life is as good as it could be.
At first, my mother heart was in agony over his absence. I could feel my heart aching. Tears. Lots and lots of tears. Why did Heavenly Father ask me to give 110% of my heart to this child and then not provide a way where I could take care of him for the rest of my life?--I wondered over and over. I cried everytime we took Dean home to his caregivers, so that I stopped being the one to take him home after a weekend visit with us. Or a week night dinner. Or after Church. I just couldn't leave him without an overwhelming flood of tears. So Mr W., or Dani took him home.
It's not as bad anymore. I can go, give him a hug goodbye and smile until I get back to the car. Then, I just "suck it up" and drive away. Leaving part of my Self there with him. I tell myself that it won't always be like this...that someday, when the other kids are grown, Dean can come home with me. That's what I want at least. Dean and I have a great time together when he's having a good day.
For now, my blessing is to be the mother to the rest of the crew they need me to be. I didn't realize how much the others had to sacrifice when Dean was at home. They sacrificed and had to make do with whatever was leftover of me after caring for Dean. A Special Needs child comes to a Family. And the entire Family is affected by that one child. From an eternal perspective, we are all in this experience together. We nicknamed Dean our "Golden Ticket" to the Celestial Kingdom...we've all said that how we treat Dean will determine our place in heaven. We take comfort in the knowledge that someday, we will know Dean as a perfected young man, without his limitations, and that will certainly be a Great day for all of us to gather 'round him and hear him express himself without using sign language or a speech impediment...and I imagine words will not be needed. What I didn't realize at the time was that while I was willing to live my whole life for Dean, Heavenly Father doesn't want me to. He isn't asking me to do that. I am the Mother to 7...and I am allowed to be the joyful mother to them all. That to me, is a grand gift indeed.
I love being Dean's mother and am entirely grateful he is still here with us. I love him so.
He's 24 today.
We won't see him today, but he'll spend the weekend with us and we'll celebrate then.
It's a time for reflection for me, when I think about this Celestial boy who holds my heart in the palm of his hand.
Raising a Celestial Child is not always a Celestial experience most days. It remains the single hardest thing my Heavenly Father has asked me to do on my Journey.
When Dean was born, I was 23 years old. He was my 3rd child in two years. I brought him home from the hospital on David Scott's 2nd birthday. We didn't realize Dean wasn't perfect for a couple more months. I was induced for his birth b/c I was supposedly overdue by the Doctor's records, but not by mine. Dean had a reaction to the pitocin--a known side affect--fetal asphyxiation. He didn't breathe for 10 minutes on his own at birth. IN fact, on his medical record is stated, "Stillborn but revived." So that lack of oxygen left him with cerebral palsy we would find out when he was 6 months old.
At first, I noticed he slept alot--but with two other children I counted that a blessing. I didn't know his brain had been traumatized and that was all he was capable of doing...sleeping. healing.
When I did take him to his well-baby appointments, the Dr. said because of the birth, Dean might be a little slower to develop and I should not compare him to the other children. Okay then.
By 4 months, Dean wasn't rolling over. He wasn't arching. Or grabbing. Or cooing. I made an appointment with a neurologist, Dr. Raun Melmud at Phoenix Children's Hospital. It took 6 weeks to get in. Once we were in tho, it only took Dr. Melmud 10 minutes to diagnose Dean.
Cerebral Palsy. I've shared before the immediate flood of emotions I felt and so I won't go into that again.
But Dean became the focus of my world. We were at Phoenix Children's Hospital and the St Joseph's Hospital 5 days in 7...his PT appt was 7am 3 days a week. I took the older kids with me to most appointments. The PT or OT would reward Dean and David Scott and Danielle with stickers for good behavior. I started putting those stickers in a journal for all of them...they got alot of stickers. Sometimes they wanted to wear the stickers on their clothes tho, so they did. Still, Dani & David Scott had to sit and be patient for hours and hours at the hospital...for 3 years.
On the flip side, I could take them anywhere in the Universe and receive compliments for how well-behaved they were.
When Dean finally started walking at nearly 5 years old, he was a sweet little angelic boy. Everywhere we went he drew people to his side with his bright blue eyes, blonde hair and huge smile. He was easier to take care of...no longer did we have to carry him everywhere or always have his stroller. He could walk with his walker and liked his independence.
As his hormones changed, so did he. He became unpredictable, impatient, demanding, violent, frustrated as often as he would be sweet, funny, cooperative and helpful. We just never knew from moment to moment what he would do.
We changed our behavior to prevent his outbursts. Sometimes it worked, and equally sometimes it didn't. He was sweet and attentive at school and church, but saved his temper for Home. He began having outbursts at school once in a blue moon and by the time he graduated HS, we knew something had to give. He was frankly, driving me crazy. I couldn't do enough to keep him busy and occupied--somedays it was more than frustrating. I didn't know what else to do. After a series of very violent outburst at home, one scared me, I PRAYED my guts out for help!
With what I believe was Divine Intervention, we found a program for Dean and he qualified to go to the TOP of the list...the waiting list that was 15 years long. I am not kidding. He went right straight to the Top. It was a host-home placement. We tried different homes before finding the right one...and we had to move to Fort Collins to find that one. He was there for 4 years until his care began to decline, and after a few more moves (which I shared here last year), he is in a host-home that is perfect for him. We love his caregiver and feel his quality of life is as good as it could be.
At first, my mother heart was in agony over his absence. I could feel my heart aching. Tears. Lots and lots of tears. Why did Heavenly Father ask me to give 110% of my heart to this child and then not provide a way where I could take care of him for the rest of my life?--I wondered over and over. I cried everytime we took Dean home to his caregivers, so that I stopped being the one to take him home after a weekend visit with us. Or a week night dinner. Or after Church. I just couldn't leave him without an overwhelming flood of tears. So Mr W., or Dani took him home.
It's not as bad anymore. I can go, give him a hug goodbye and smile until I get back to the car. Then, I just "suck it up" and drive away. Leaving part of my Self there with him. I tell myself that it won't always be like this...that someday, when the other kids are grown, Dean can come home with me. That's what I want at least. Dean and I have a great time together when he's having a good day.
For now, my blessing is to be the mother to the rest of the crew they need me to be. I didn't realize how much the others had to sacrifice when Dean was at home. They sacrificed and had to make do with whatever was leftover of me after caring for Dean. A Special Needs child comes to a Family. And the entire Family is affected by that one child. From an eternal perspective, we are all in this experience together. We nicknamed Dean our "Golden Ticket" to the Celestial Kingdom...we've all said that how we treat Dean will determine our place in heaven. We take comfort in the knowledge that someday, we will know Dean as a perfected young man, without his limitations, and that will certainly be a Great day for all of us to gather 'round him and hear him express himself without using sign language or a speech impediment...and I imagine words will not be needed. What I didn't realize at the time was that while I was willing to live my whole life for Dean, Heavenly Father doesn't want me to. He isn't asking me to do that. I am the Mother to 7...and I am allowed to be the joyful mother to them all. That to me, is a grand gift indeed.
I love being Dean's mother and am entirely grateful he is still here with us. I love him so.
How fortunate Momza that you have been given this gifted son. He will help and has helped you learn all that you need to return home. What a blessing you have been to him, and the rest of your brood. Lessons are the most amazing things, sometimes they come wrapped as people.
ReplyDeleteRoxanne
Happy Birthday to your Dean. What a wonderful post.
ReplyDelete