Ugly Stuff

My children
Baby cheeks and toes
Red ripe strawberries
Sweet juicy peaches
Mountain Peaks
River Streams
Friends
Missionaries
Temples
Good health
Saturday morning breakfasts.

I love talking about the good things in my life.
I've been taught that noone wants to hear the
Ugly Stuff.
We all have enough of our own
that we don't need to
"air our dirty laundry"
for all the world to see.

And yet, the Ugly Stuff
is still useful
if I can learn from it
and grow from it
and move forward.
Right?

My Ugly Stuff:
I've been divorced
for 11 years.
It was an Ugly divorce.
And while time has made it
less painful
and wounds are not as raw
because of the good soil
I've cultivated for my self and my children
and Mr. Wonderful;
I still have to deal with the after-affects
of D-i-v-o-r-c-e.

Right now, I am dealing with a
lawsuit.
The Ex stopped paying child support.
And there's so much more ugliness around it
that I hate regurgitating it all.
Last Friday, I was part of a
telephonic hearing that was being held
in Phoenix...where the "D" took place.
I had to hire an attorney down there.
Whom I haven't ever met.
And it cost alot of money we could've used
in the home.
But it's a necessary evil.
And I've been okay handling this
because the EX was/is in CONTEMPT.
But during the hearing Friday
I could hear his voice.
And it rattled me.
We don't speak
ever.
He's seen his kids six times in eleven years.
The Judge called him out on that right there.
But then EX lied and said it was my fault.
Then the Judge set a date where the youngest two girls
have to testify via phone
next month.
And while that's gonna be bad news for the EX
it's gonna stink for my daughters.
That's a crummy position to be put in.
But darn it, the EX doesn't think about them.
And it's going to affect them. It's affecting them now.
They feel equally sad and upset
that their birth father lied to a Judge
about why he hasn't seen them.
He doesn't see them because
he doesn't want to see them.
period.

I held one in my arms
wiped tears and try to reassure her
it is not her.
She is lovable
smart
worth loving.
That EX is missing out
because he's selfish
and ignorant.
I hug her and hold her
and that's all I can do.

The other is angry.
"How dare he blame you for not seeing us!"
"He's such a jerk!"
More negative feelings that she doesn't need.
Doesn't deserve.
No tears on the outside.
But I know
on the inside.'

You just can't make people
care
when they don't.
No amount of pleading
bribing
or reaching out
touches them.
Like Teflon
they deflect your
heart.

I hear his voice on the other end
and listen to his words
and think:
"Oh yeah. There he is. That guy. I know that guy.
The one I left. Still the same old guy. Eleven years later
and he still lies. He hasn't changed a bit. Not. one. single. bit."

Because I don't speak to or see the EX
I have often wondered if he
changed.
Grew up.
You'd think after two divorces
he may have learned
a few things.
Nope.
And then I feel validated.
AGAIN.
I made the right choice
in an Ugly Situation.
And I came out okay.

I still have
My children.
Baby cheeks and toes.
Red ripe strawberries
Sweet juicy peaches
Mountain Peaks
River Streams
Friends
Missionaries
Temples
Good health
Saturday morning breakfasts.
And a Man who wants to share it all with me.

The Beautiful Stuff more than makes up for the Ugly Stuff, right?