Time

WARNING: This post is a true blue ramble.

It's been 4 days since
I came home from Arizona.

I've had alot of down time
time to think it all through,
time to let things settle down.


I left Phoenix 11 years ago.
October 1998 was the last time
I ever went there.
I didn't care if I ever went back.
You could say
I ran away from the State
and from alot of pain.

I ran away from an abusive marriage.
Having no family there
I was just as happy to be leaving
his family too.
They weren't nice.
Not to each other and certainly not to me.

When it was learned that I was
the one asking for the divorce
people made assumptions about
it.
I got hate mail.
Anonymously.
As much as I knew noone on the outside
knew what was going on inside the marriage
it still stung.
In the past I had been asked to speak
about Marriage.
I believe in Marriage.
I wanted to be married.
I just happened to be married
to someone who didn't.

But I didn't talk to people
about it.
And they made up their own minds
as people are wont to do when they
don't know the facts.
I got phone calls too.
From information-seekers...
"I hear you're getting a divorce--what happened?",
they'd ask.
I'd say, "I appreciate your concern, but this is
between D. and I."
These weren't my friends calling
these were busy-bodies.

It was so awful that by the time
I was finally closing the chapter
on that marriage
and moving forward in my new life,
I blocked it all and
just carried that pain with me.
All these years.

Seriously, I didn't want to look back.
Couldn't look back.
I decided that Arizonans were
not my kind of people.
They were harsh to me.

Then about 6 years ago
the phone rang and it was a good sister
in our ward who wanted to assign me
a new Visiting Teacher from Church.
I'm not a picky person
but when she said,
"You'll love her. They just moved here
from Arizona."
I got a lump in my throat.
No, I thought. Not Arizona. I can't do that.
I even told the good sister that I'd rather not.
But she assured me,
"Oh you will love her. Just give it a try."
I couldn't say No to her.

The morning she was due to come over
I was emotional. I was on guard.
I even called my husband at work
and he said
"If she's rude, show her the door."
But I never had to do that.
And that Arizonan became my best friend.
Nannette.

It was she who escorted me to Surprise
last week.
Encouraging, Uplifting and Carrying-on
all the way.
Sitting in the courtroom next to Nana
all smiles and eyes twinkling when I looked
over at her...
her hands rubbing Nana's back
and holding her hands.
That's my friend.

The thought of going back to the Valley of the Sun
made me nauseas
dredging up old pains and hurts.
Even the day we left,
I was looking for a "pardon" that would allow me to stay home.
But that never came.
Thank goodness.

As I drove thru Black Canyon
I saw the desert
with new eyes.
The tall saguaros looked majestic
the green mesquites were simple
and lovely
surrounded by lava mounds
and rolling desert hills,
oleanders, palm trees, bougainvillas,
prickly pears, Joshua trees,
and flowers that bloom once the
heat of summer has passed...
It wasn't the "dirt hole"
I labelled it from years before,
it was welcoming and vibrant.

Then Nan surprised me
with the meeting of Lori
who was so gracious
and so genuine...
And then Nan's friend Jennifer
was down-to-earth
and all that good stuff too!
IN fact, every single person
I met on the trip was the same way.

The entire experience wasn't what
I had anticipated.
I was worried I wouldn't be strong enough
for the harshness of the desert and it's people.
But that was so unnecessary...
I could let my defenses down
and exhale away my fears.
I could finally rest.

As I sit here now
I am so grateful that the pardon never came--
that I had to go
because in going I found
healing.
This trip was balm to my heart...
and I feel whole.

Before I left for the trip
I received a blessing from Mr Wonderful.
In it, I was blessed with Peace
and Comfort and Strength.
The closer I got to the State border
I felt more peaceful really.
I can even remember the exact place
where my heart was overflowing--
and tears filled my eyes...
right there in the Black Canyon just coming over a hill...
I think I know what it is to have a heart mended
on the spot
because my heart eased and that burden lifted
in just a moment's time.

It wasn't the "place"
that caused the grief
it was the situation.

"Time heals all wounds" they say...
but I don't think I entirely agree with that--
Sure I didn't think about my old life
with the same intensity--
afterall it's been 11 years
and life has taken over, ya know?
Time and distance certainly helped me
move forward--
I remarried my own personal Mr. Wonderful,
have created the marriage and life I always wanted--
But that little part of my heart
that was singed and torn from 11 years ago
was still very much the same as when I'd
packed it away on the dark side of my heart--
that piece of my heart
was still the same--
until Now.
Now, it's whole and new as if it'd never
been injured in the first place.
THAT is healing.
And time didn't do that.
Perspective did,
new friends did,
and
My Father in Heaven did--
I just had to let go.

Isn't it such a waste to let old injuries
reside in our souls?
Letting go of them is truly like
a Balm of Gilead...
that's time well spent.