Of Brains, Whispers, and Gratitude

Where to start...

So I have encephalopathy
which affects my short-term memory.
This, you know already.

While it used to freak me out
and I mean
freak. me. out.
when I couldn't remember ordinary things
like my address
my phone number,
where I was going in the car--
all momentary lapses,
but still.

Nowadays,
I just give myself a minute to relax
and most of the time
my rolodex brain brings forth the lost information.
Or
I just give myself permission to not
know
and go forward.

The neurologist (took me 3 tries to get that spelling right--
I forgot about spell-check!)--
anyway,
the neurologist says there's nothing we can do about
whatever's going on in my brain,
but we established one trigger--
being tired.

I started working almost 2 months ago.
No, I can't recall the actual time--
it was around the time the yahoos
went back to school,
so I'm guesstimating here.

The job, it turns out
is more stressful than
one can imagine.
It's been in a state of transition,
as it moved from one location to the next,
new management,
new merchandise,
new procedures--
it all adds up to alot of stress.
Which, in my case,
adds up to less sleep.
=
blank spots in my memory
and
affects my speech
and now I notice,
my typing.

This post has taken me longer
than normal
because my fingers go all wonky
and it looks like a 2 year old's been
pounding piano keys.

Anyway,
there's a point to this--
Saturday at work,
it was super busy
because we had a
TENT SALE.

I was supposed to count the cash drawers out--
I counted one twice
and thought I'd counted the other one
once.
At the end of the day
however,
the numbers weren't adding up--
that's when I realized that
perhaps
just maybe,
my count had been off.

I wracked my brain
over and over.
Then my good friend, Kelly
asked me,
"You did count that, didn't you?"
I stood there, thinking as hard as I could,
and my rolodex brain just froze.
Nothing there.
But I couldn't think of a reason WHY
I wouldn't have counted both correctly,
so I said, "Yes."
But then, something I hadn't expected happened--
the Spirit said,
"No, you didn't."
I was filled with a horrible feeling.
Did I or didn't I?
Didn't I count them both?
I had written my count down on a peice of paper,
but someone had tossed it out.

So I couldn't really remember what the count was
and feel certain.

By the time I got home,
I sat in my driveway, nearly in tears.
How could I NOT have counted correctly?
For Pete's Sake,
I've been a bank teller.
I know how to count in and count out a drawer.
I tried to imagine what was in the drawer
that morning.
I could only remember that there were 114 ones.
114 ones?
Who keeps 114 ones in a drawer?

Nobody.
That's too many.

And what about the other drawer?
How much was in that one?
How many 20's?
nothing.
How many 1's?
Quarters?
Nothing.
It was then that I realized
I hadn't counted the other drawer at all.
And my heart sank at the realization
I had lied.
Not by design, but still.


I went inside the house,
and life took over the rest of the day.
At evening,
I told Mr W what happened,
and he says stuff like that happens all the time
and I shouldn't be so hard on myself.

Yeah, but it doesn't happen
or I should say,
didn't happen
to me.
Until now.

I asked for a Priesthood blessing
yesterday,
while our Home Teacher was here.
I really need the Lord's help with this trial.
In the blessing,
I wasn't told it would be healed.
I wasn't told that this is temporary.
I was told to lean on the Lord.
To ask for help from others.
To not listen to the voice of discouragement,
that that voice is not the Lord's.
I'll do fine in my job.
and the blessing that means so much,
that I'll remember my family always.
That last little part,
spoke to a real deep concern of mine.
I worry that one day,
I'll wake up
and I won't know my family.
So to have that fear assuaged
was such a tender mercy to me.

And now that I've had some time
to reflect on this,
there's something else I hadn't expected:
that the Lord was already guiding me
and speaking to me in the midst of this trial.
The fact that the Spirit spoke to me in the first place
and I heard it.
I am not alone in this human experience.

So this morning, my friend and manager called
and I told her what really happened.
My confession was met with understanding and support.
That's what makes her my friend.

I am feeling better.
My speech got a little off late last night--
Words wouldn't come out normally,
I had to "dig around" a little to find them.
I had a little vertigo this morning,
but I'm here.
And I know all the names and faces of my children today.
Can I just say I'm feeling very grateful for that
and not sound cheesy or melodramatic?
I am Grateful with a capital "G".

I know my struggles could be much worse.
I'm grateful this is all I have to deal with,
and I'm not alone in it.