Having a Mentally Ill Mother

When I was a kid,

I knew I had an unusual mother.

She was weepy and sad

angry, violent and mad.

I never knew what her mood was going to be

when I came home from school,
and holidays were huge "triggers"
for her.
It was not unusual for her to pack her things
in the middle of a holiday dinner
and be gone for weeks.

Truly, mentally ill.

She has been committed to psych wards

ever since I was 9 years old,

time and time again.

I lost count.

And when you combine mental illness with alcohol,

it is frightful.

I don't have and haven't had a relationship

with her since my youth.

Not for lack of trying--

what child doesn't want their mother's love, afterall?

But mentally ill persons

are not capable of having healthy relationships.

So out of self-preservation,

I let go years and years ago;

but two years from this month,

one of my brothers showed my mother

my lil blog.

He didn't know that by doing so,

would create havoc in my life.

He thought she'd enjoy seeing and reading

about my children and me.

Oh if that were only the case.

Every few months,

I get a stream of emails

for days

and days

from my mother.

I've blocked her many email addresses,

only for her to create another one

and she starts again

with threats and ugliness.

She'll blow off steam

and then go away for a few weeks

or even months.

But eventually,

she makes it back around

and the cycle continues.

Another cycle started this week.

I don't usually read the entire letters--

it's alot of negativity to absorb,

so I just hit DELETE

over and over...

however, in one of the few I scanned,

she told she was going to "destroy" me.

Seeing as how I live several hundreds of miles away,

I blew it off.

I'm too busy living and working to think about it too much,

so I thought 

"whatever."
I don't take it as tho I'm the only one,
as my brothers are going thru the same thing.
It's hard to know what to do.

And then today,

I got an email from one of my friends, 

who'd rec'd an unusual email from someone she doesn't know--

and among other things, 

the email said I plagiarize in my blog.

My friend forwarded the email to me.

I recognized the sender's email address.

"Plagiarizing" or the idea that I do so,

boggles my mind...

why would I bother to plagiarize the nonsense

that is my life?

And where would I find time to copy another mother's life?

I have friends and family who read this lil blog--

you know,

people who would totally kick my bahooey

if I was lyin' about whatever it I'm supposed to have lied about!
And with my mother only having a 9th grade education,
well, I don't know that she understands what
"plagiarism" really is, ya know?

It was hard to admit to my friend

that the source of the email

was, is,

in fact,

my mother.

I don't know how many others were emailed,

and I've debated on whether to address this mess

at all--

I'm too old to be dealing with this stuff

and I worry about putting it out here at all

because as they say,

"negative attention is better than no attention"--

my mentally ill mother thrives on this stuff.

But I don't know how to make her go away.

She just won't.

And I just wanted to apologize to any and all of you

who may have had the unpleasant experience

of dealing with this ugliness.

It is part of my reality and I just deal with it the best I can.

I asked my husband and kids what I should do--

ignore this or deal with it, apologize where apologies are warranted,

or just close my blog down altogether.

I chose to deal with it
and I apologize to you if you've been targeted by

my mother.

I'm not sure if I should just close down my blog--

she'd love that-- control is her thing--

or just wait this out and hopefully,

she'll get her fill and go away again.

I'm not sure.

But I am sorry.

I'm angry and I'm sorry.

But I can't make her well

and I can't get her to leave me alone.

My comments will have to be hidden for awhile,
so she cannot access anyone who comments.
Thank you for understanding.
Mental illness sucks.