There was a woman who had a bull.
This bull gave her much grief,
for it was a cross, angry bull.
It was unprofitble in every way.
When the bull saw the woman coming out to the field,
it ran away from her,
or stomped in her direction--
warning her to leave him alone.
At night, the bull hopped the fence
to get into another's pasture.
When this happened,
the woman called her good friends,
"Help! I don't know what to do! My bull has jumped the fence,
and I cannot bring him home without help, please help me."
So her friends dropped everything they were doing,
and ran to help.
When they got to the pasture where the bull was--
ready to help the woman,
it was discovered that the woman,
whose bull it was,
did not show up to help.
A phone call was made to the woman,
"Why aren't you here to retrieve your awful bull?", her friends wanted to know.
The woman replied that she didn't really want her friends to bring her bull
back to her,
she wanted to bull to return to her at the sound of her voice.
So she stood at the edge of her pasture,
day after day,
night after night,
calling, pleading, begging the bull to return to her pasture,
leaving hay and barley for the animal
that ate it every night from his side of the fence,
and each day when the bull didn't return,
the woman called her friends--
"My bull will not return to me. Please help. I don't know what to do."
This carried on for a decade--
most of the woman's friends stopped answering their phone
when she called.
Just one good friend remained loyal
and continued to try to help with the woman's problem--
that of trying to get that nasty bull back into his proper pasture.
Yet, everytime the friend showed up to help with the bull,
the bull stomped about the mud,
splashing the neighbor!
The woman still refused to help herself,
and would only stand at the edge of her pasture,
calling out to the bull to return to her.
Finally, realizing that the woman really didn't want
help from another,
the last loyal friend, stopped answering the phone.
To this day,
the woman stands at the edge of her pasture,
calling out to the awful bull.
****
The moral:
If your neighbor won't step in her own pasture,
to claim her own bull,
you may be left standing up to your knees in mud.
So I came up with this little analogy
last weekend
when Daisie and I were talking about one of her
friends who frequently laments that
she has no friends who truly care about her
struggles.
Altho Daisie has repeatedly reached out to this young woman,
in an effort to help her with her "bull" or problems,
the young woman doesn't accept Daisie's help.
I told Daisie that it doesn't sound like it's Daisie's help
or attention that's wanted by this friend.
Perhaps it's someone else's attention that her friend can't get
so she releases her frustration in the way she does.
N' I told Daisie to just step back and let her friend figure things out.
Friends share one another's burdens--
this is true,
just be sure that the burden you are willing to
share with your friend,
is one they want Your help carrying.
What advice would you give to Daisie?
That's a great parable, and great advice. Sometimes friends forget to be grateful for those that stand by them through it all...I was always told, we can only help others as much as they're willing to help themselves. Hope Daisie figures out how to stop standing in the mud!
ReplyDeleteSuch a wonderful analogy and so true. Female relationships can be so complicated. I truly feel for her. The hard thing is that even adult relationships can be this way. It is good that she can see this now. It will help her in her adult relationships.
ReplyDeleteSometimes the best thing is to keep some distance from the friend, but still be her friend. She can be kind and loving to her, but instead of offering to help her friend she should give the friend a chance to put forth some of her own effort first. I'm a "fixer". It can be so hard to stand back so the person you love can grow by learning how to "fix" themselves. But that is how we grow. It sounds like standing back so the friend can learn what she needs to learn is the best thing Daisie can do for her. Thank you for sharing this. I appreciate and learn so much from your posts.
You are awesome. That is a great parable. I think I would replace bull with Mario Lopez, but you get the point.
ReplyDeleteWhen people continually ask for my help (or advice) and don't take it, I realize that they are on one of those journeys where they have to figure things out for themselves. I quit offering. I listen and wish them well.
ReplyDelete(I also answer the phone a little less when I see their number on the call waiting...)
;)
PS. Good parable!
I love your lessons to your children. They are always spot on. It is hard to learn that some people don't want the help they need, they want help that really won't help at all (and is probably impossible to get anyway).
ReplyDeleteGreat story! If I was Daisie, I would do something that might take some courage, but would hopefully be a kindness to the friend - next time she said to me, "oh I have no friends who really care about my struggles" I would say - "hey, that's kind of insulting. I'm your friend and I care about you, but here you are calling me a bad friend. You can't expect people to be there for you if you keep putting them down!"
ReplyDeleteI suspect there is a big dark hole in this girl's heart that only something specific (mother? father? God?) can fix, but perhaps a dose of loving reality will wake her to the love around her. It seems to me that standing back and waiting for the friend to help herself isn't necessarily going to assist this young woman see what she is doing to other people, and help her understand and fix it herself. It's just going to confirm her perception that no one cares.
She might be upset with such honesty, and run away and have a tantrum, but the truth always heals, even if it takes time.
No advice for Daisee, just hugs for her mom. It's hard to watch your kids feel sad.
ReplyDeleteI like this... and I think I can relate to Daisy - I finally had to decide to be a little selfish and take some time off from my bull-owning neighbor... it worked for me, but I had to actually go spend a summer with relatives to get away!
ReplyDeletethe para-bull though - I love it :)
So often, griping is really just a habit that is too hard to break. And there are occasional folks who, oddly, seem to be happiest when they're miserable.
ReplyDeleteGREAT ANALOGY, although I probably would still answer the phone but not talk or "listen" as long as normal. Ah youth! they still need to know someone is listening.
ReplyDeleteLove the analogy. It is just perfect and so true. Sometimes, the best way we can help is just to be a sounding board and let them figure out the answer for themselves. It doesn't really help people if we always have an answer. Sometimes, what they really need is just a listening ear. Let the friend know that she is there, that she is loved, and that she is always welcome to come calling, but don't go rescuing. Sometimes that is the best friend of all.
ReplyDeleteWhen people are sad and have very little self confidence, garnering pity from others is a way to try and make them feel better about themselves. Daisie can be gentle and kind (how could she not be if she belongs to you?), but firm about what she will and won't do as a friend. And she can absolutely know that she needn't rely on this particular person for any validation. She's a good friend. She's a kind person, no matter what is said, or not said.
ReplyDeleteAs always, love the lessons that come out of your corner of life...