MOMZA'S HOUSE: Mom Interrupted

Friday, April 15, 2011

Mom Interrupted

I write my blogs early in the morning--
usually just after Mr. Wonderful leaves for work,
before the yahoos and the dog get up,
but just before Daisie leaves for Seminary.

One day this week however,
I lost my mind and was trying to pluck out a few lines
while the yahoos were getting ready for school.
Normally, it's not that big of a deal--
I let them watch TV until 7:30-ish,
then I start coaching them along--
"eat breakfast"
"practice piano/clarinet/violin"
"feed Kota"
"take Kota out"
"brush your teeth"
etc...
Mornings are non-events for the most part.
Hey, I'm down to three yahoos at home now.
I've earned whatever peace and quiet,
harmony and melody I can get these days.
I even told my doctor that since I'm down to three,
I'm considering taking up drinking now--
I was sober for seven,
I can do three, drunk.

Anyway--back to the other morning--
from the loft/study I heard
the youngest two going at it
loud and strong--
Boofus: No! You Don't!
Caboose: "Yes! I Do!"
There was awhole lotta weeping and wailing and gnashing of teeth!

Momza: "Hey! Hey! Guys! What's going on?"

Come to find out, they're fussing over who loves the dog MORE.

So I put on my "Wise Mother" hat,
and offer:
"Guys, you're getting ready to leave our house and go to school.
It's going to be a long day.
School can be tough.
Don't you think you'd feel better if you're kind
to each other and make up before you walk out into the world?
I love you both so much.
It hurts my feelings when you're mean to each other.
AND, you're both good pet owners.
Kota loves you both.
Can you think of something kind to say to each other
before you leave the house?"

The Boofus and Caboose, in unison: "NO!"
They walked out the door
and down the street
together.

Set 'em up, Joe.

10 comments:

Susan AndersonApril 15, 2011 at 7:44 AM
This just made me chuckle, Dawn. Both in remembrance of these days and also because of your very funny last line.

=D
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Kristina P.April 15, 2011 at 8:53 AM
That's too funny!
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NonnaApril 15, 2011 at 9:26 AM
LOL !!! As our family left the nest, some of my patience flew away too...it was worse when a couple of them came back to the nest years later...just when I was in heaven leaving our bedroom door open anytime and not having to wear a robe every time I left it !!!
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Joy For Your JourneyApril 15, 2011 at 10:27 AM
Okay that got my morning off on a good chuckle!! Thanks for that. Go easy on the hard stuff though. :-)
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JessiApril 15, 2011 at 1:10 PM
I love you and the way you blog! I love your new visiting teachers as well!

oh, I thought you might enjoy a friend of mine's blog. he just got his first job out of school, and they just had their first baby as well.. check it out! www.branfam.blogspot.com

this is one of my favorite posts (out of oh so many fabulous ones)
http://branfam.blogspot.com/2011/04/keeping-it-real.html
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Rachel SueApril 15, 2011 at 10:31 PM
You're a good mom. Me? It would have been: "Knock it off! Go finish your breakfast! Enough fighting!"

GO you.
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RiaApril 16, 2011 at 10:30 AM
Ah kids! Mine will argue about the dumbest things too.

I'll do just about anything to get them out the door in the morning.
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alpinekleinsApril 17, 2011 at 1:24 AM
Hee! You are JUST too hilarious :D

So glad we all have these same kinda days (and kiddo's ;)

Kristin
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Doran & JodyApril 17, 2011 at 3:10 PM
Muah ha ha ha!!
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KazzyApril 17, 2011 at 8:52 PM
My two youngest seem to be either at odds or BFFs. It gives me whiplash.
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SAY WHAT?? Board

Ari showed me her math assignment: "Have you seen this before?"

Me: "Um, yeah. Not since I was in school though."

Ari: "OK. So it's a legitimate thing. I just wanted to make sure my teachers weren't lying to me."

Bee: "I thought it was 'Tequila Mockingbird', not "To Kill a Mockingbird."

From the wedding:

Jud's oldest brother: Tell Mom not to come up to see you while on your honeymoon.

Jud: What? She came to see you?

Brother, laughing: Yeah.

Jud to his Mom: "I don't care if I've been mauled by a bear; do NOT come see me."

***

Dani to Isaac: "Tell Gramma 'bye' n; you love her, Isaac."

Isaac: "Bye! Butt-face Gramma!"

****

Boofus to Momza: "I have black hair in my armpits! Just on this one arm though. I WISH I could move some on the other arm!"

Momza: You're ridiculous. {laughing}

Boofus: "I also have hair growing on my chest. Twelve hairs! I counted!"

***

Arianna: "Mom, can I borrow one of your sweaters?"

Momza: "One of my sweaters? Why?"

Arianna: "It's Ugly Sweater Day at school."

Momza to Joseph, as he's getting ready for school:

"Hey, didn't you wear that shirt yesterday?--It's dirty, go put on a clean one."

Joseph: "It's not dirty. SMELL me!"

Momza: "I am not smelling you. It is too dirty--go put on a clean shirt. You're not wearing that to school."

Joseph, chuckling: "Aww...you're ruining my life."

Momza to 10 yr old Primary boy who wouldn't stop leaning back in his chair:

"I think you should know that I get queasy at the sight of blood. If you lean back in your chair and get hurt, after I've told you not to, I'll probably vomit--and if I do, it'll probably get on you."

Ari, after overhearing what I said, whispered, "Mom, you're a doula, you see blood all the time. It doesn't make you sick."

Momza: He doesn't know that.

****

Two little neighborhood boys knocked on the door:

"Is the Master here?"

Daisie: "What? Who?"

Boofus, from upstairs: "I can't play until my room is clean!"

Momza, to Boofus: "They call you 'Master'?"

Boofus: "Yeah, they do everything I say. I'm their Master."

***

Daisie, from the backseat of the car, while Diana is changing up the radio station:

"No country please. You're destroying my brain."

Diana: "You're welcome."

******

Valentines Day Dinner. Boofus to Dad, while eating the chocolate fish I gave him:

"This was the worst Valentine's ever. Mom KISSED me in front of Nathan!" (N. is his best friend who happened to be standing there when I gave B. his chocolate gift.)

Momza at the dinner table: "So, at work today, I was talking to Juan..."

Boofus, interrupts: "Who?"

Momza: "Juan. Juan--he's a young man I work with."

Boofus: "Who? I mean, WHO were you talking to?"

Caboose, chiming in: "The Chinese-Mexican, Wong!"

The Caboose to Momza: "If you won't get me a cellphone, then you can just send me to a foster home."

Momza:"Hold on while I GOOGLE foster homes in Colorado. N' while I do that, you should go ask Daddy if it's ok to send you away."

The Caboose returns: "Daddy said 'No'."

The Caboose to Mom: I can’t wait until I’m 11. “Cuz eleven is next to twelve and twelve is next to thirteen, and thirteen has the word “teen” in it n’ I can’t wait to be a teenager!

Boofus, pinching his fingers together, showing them to me:

"I just pulled a hair out of my NOSE! I AM A MAN!"

Momza: "Pick up your room, then brush your teeth, and don't forget to pack your lunch."

The Caboose: "You sound just like my mother!"

The Caboose: How do you spell "diary"?

Boofus: "D-A-I-R-Y."

Dad: That's dairy. You need to switch the "a" and the "i".

Caboose: I'm writing in pen here, people.

Dani to Boofus:

"You need to wash your hands before you touch the baby."

Boofus: "I did. I licked them twice."

Diana, who has just spent 45 minutes with Daisie, who'd been chewed out by Momza earlier:

"OH. MY. GOSH. MOM! How do you stand it? She drives me crazy! She acts like she's the only one whose ever been almost 15 years old! She made me so angry! All of her freaking whining! How do you stand it?! --Wait?--Is that what I sound like to you? Ohhhh Mommmm, (laying her head on my shoulder), I AM SO SORRY!!!"

Dad to Boofus, who asked him to do something he didn't want to do:

"What? Do you have a piano tied to your butt?"

Boofus: "Yes, it's small but very heavy."

Boofus, who was pestering the Caboose:

"You're nuthin' but a penny-loafin' Democrat."

Dara to Bee, after she threatened to tell on her for something:

"You think I care if you tell Dad on me? I get in trouble on a daily basis."

Joseph to Momza:

"What do you mean when you say 'think about the words you say'? I never think about what I'm saying."

Walking thru Walmart, the Caboose says:

"Mom, what's Pole dancing?"

"Ask your Dad."

Ari to Momza after seeing a personalized ornament with Joseph's name on it:

"Why does Joe get one and I don't?"

Momza: "Because there wasn't one with your name on it."

Ari: "Ugh. Why couldn't you name me Samantha, Rachel or somebody?"

Ari: Mommmm! Joseph is making me mad!

Momza: He's pushin' your buttons?

Ari: I don't have any buttons. I don't collect buttons.

Joseph to the dog: "C'mon girl--shake what your momma gave you!"

The Caboose, while I am fixing her hair for school:

"I don't want my ponytails braided."

Momza: "Why not?"

"Because it shows my inner beauty."

The Caboose: "I don't like my middle name. It's embarassing, it's not cool. It makes me awkward."

Momza: "Really? Hmmm, well what name do you like?"

The Caboose: "Something cool, like 'Madeline'."

Momza: "Okay you can change your name. What would you like to be called?'

The Caboose: "Arianna Madeline Hope A."

Momza: "Done!"

Momza to Boofus, after he'd spilled some hot cocoa on the counter:

"Hey, what do you do when you accidentally make a mess?"

Boofus: "You lie. And blame it on the dog."

Boofus: "Mom! Ari's bleeding!"

"Where?"

Boofus, pointing: "Over there."

"No, where on her body is she bleeding?"

Boofus: "Oh, on her knee."

Diana's heading downstairs, as the kids are leaving for school:

"Bye Bee, have a great day!"

"Wait! Where am I going?"

Diana, laughing, "You're not going anywhere right now,

I'm going down to take a shower and I won't see you before you leave for school!"

Bee: "Oh yeah."

Diana, after reading the headline, "Gaining Weight is All in Your Head"--

"Of course it's all in your head, that's where your mouth is."

At dinner, Momza to Boofus:

"Okay, when we get home, you need to take a bath."

"I don't wanna take a bath. You sit in your own FILTH!"

Driving in the car:

Dad: why do girls always have to change the radio?"

Bee: "Because we have the Authority. Boys just run red lights and drink beer."

Boofus to the Caboose, when she asked him to bring her more water to the table:

"You're Not Roll-a-tee...get it yourself."

Momza to kids, arguing in backseat on way to school:

"It's a good thing you guys are going to school today, otherwise I'd have to sell you on Ebay or to the Circus.

The Caboose: "What? You're going to get rid of me?"

Momza: "Well, you guys could swing on the trapeze, feed the lions..."

The Caboose: " You know I'm afaid of heights! and lions!"

Boofus, at the sink, rinsing dishes, discovers the water to be too hot. He decides to blame Dad who used the water last.

"Dad! It's your fault!"

"No, it's not-- you're running the water. That's your responsibility. It's your fault--just like the war in Iraq. It's because of your failed policies!"

"HA! YOU'RE the reason we went to War!"

(All this while Pres. Obama's speech is on in the background)

13 yo Daisie to Mom in car:

"Ohhh the boy I like asked another girl out today. Her name is Suzie."

"SuzieQ, hunh?"

"I don't know her last name."

"Do you love me?"

"I've never wanted to hit you. But someday I might."

"Gee, thanks."

"No problem, Babyhead."

Boofus: "I'm never dating. And I'm not gettin' married.Women are nothin' but trouble. And they squeeze your pressure points!"

Mr. W., laughing: "Yeah they sure do know how to squeeze your pressure points, Boof."

Caboose, yelling: "Mom, Joseph hit me!"

Momza: "Joseph, keep your hands to yourself."

Boofus: "I used a spoon. It was a spoon."

Momza: "Keep your hands to yourself."

Boofus: "It wasn't my hands! It was a S-P-O-O-N!"

Momza: "Well you and your spoon are about to get timed out in your bedroom."

Mr. W: "I would like to bear my testimony. I have a testimony of bears. They're true."

Momza: "Did you eat breakfast yet?"

Boofus: "No, there's nothin' good."

Momza:"Well, there's cereal, a bagel, fruit...I could make you some eggs?"

Boofus: "None of that sounds good."

Momza:' Well, if you could have anything you wanted, what would it be?"

Boofus: "I dunno."

Daisie: "The Best of EFY is this weekend! Can I go?"

Momza: "Sure--wait, you're not 14 yet. I dunno."

Daisie: "I'll be 14 in [x-amount] of Days!"

Br. Malley, our HT pipes in, to her: "Shhhh...just go and don't say anything." to me:"But probably not the dance later."

Momza:"Oh right--okay, Daise, you can go for the talks but not the dance."

Daisie: "Nevermind."

The Caboose, as we're on the elevator in the Doc's ofc:

"When they look at your throat, do they have to cut it open?"

Momza:"What??--of course not! Where'd you come up with that?"

" I dunno. "

It was then I realized, the Caboose hasn't ever been sick enough to go to a medical doctor. Bless her heart.

Ari talking to Dani on the phone about caring for the new dog:

"I'll be in charge of walking him, because you know how I feel about picking up poop. YOU KNOW HOW I FEEL ABOUT THAT!"

Boofus insisted he pick out his own shirt for school...comes to me and says, "Someone took off all the buttons on this shirt!"

I flipped the placket over to reveal otherwise.

"Whew!" no button thieves in our house!"

Its lunch time, what does everyone feel like throwing up?

A sleep-deprived Momza to Mr W:

"you better take it easy and get some rest today, cuz you're headed for a ..uh..a collap-sa-tion."

"Ari, you sure want a peice of pie? You're just gonna throw it up in a bit."

"I don't care."

::::sittin' around the table, we're talking about which temples the girls would like to be married in someday::::

Nana: "Portland."

Daisie: "Mesa, definitely."

Boofus, who'd been quiet thru most of the convo:"Well, if I ever decide to like

girls--and I don't now cause I hate them, and they're jerks!! --[his finger pointing to his sisters]--I want to

go to the Hawaii temple."

Boofus: "Mom, when you weren't here, Dad said the "S-word. He's a cusser."

Dad, sheepishly: “No, I don’t think so.”

Boofus: “ Yeah he did. Mom tell him.”

Boofus to Dad: You can hit me as hard you want for ten bucks.

Dad: Can I draw blood?

Boofus: It’s fifteen for blood.

Dad: How about a ping with a baseball bat, how much then?

Boofus: Twenty-two fifty.