Mother's Day Lists

My family asked me what I want for
Mother's Day,
this Sunday.

That's a loaded question.
Just ask any mother in the world.
So I answered them with this:

"I'd like to be disappointed
all day long and here's how:


I want all of you kids to be particulary ornery and messy
on Sunday.
And Dad,
I'd like you to alternate between being oblivious and cranky
while you deal with the ornery and messy children.

I'd like to get up early because one kid is puking

and another is crying.

Forget about breakfast in bed,

unless it's burnt eggs and cheerios.

I want a bad hair day

so if you could arrange for it to either snow or rain,

that'd be super.
Also, add a skirt that fits too tight, with a smudge of
kid-snot on the front of it,
and I'd be a lucky woman.

And it'd really be great
if the children look like hillbillies at church,
fight on the way there,
and if one could start crying during the prayer,
that'd just fix. my.life.

I'd like snarling from the grounded teenager whose
upset because she missed curfew.
And if she could act like I'm an inconvenience in her daily life,
that'd fit the bill!

I want to cook a big dinner and do dishes afterwards,
while everyone else peels off and does their own "thang".

Yeah,
I want that.
And to top of the day,
I'd like a big old-fashioned family throw-down
in the living room and end it with me in tears,
shaking my head and saying:
 "all I ever wanted was to be
a wife and mother,
and you people are ruining this experience!"

So yeah,
the only way to get what I'd really like
is to ask for all of that--
don't disappoint puhleez."

The whole family smiled and said,
"You got it!"

But if I could produce a legit
Mother's Day Wish List,
this is what it would be:

• A Clean House.
• No Quarreling for 24 hours...that's wakeful hours, sleeping hours do not count.
• A full nights' rest between 8 to 10 hours of non-interrupted sleep.
• Someone else to go through all the piles of papers on the desk. (I hate doing that!)
• A Garage I can park my car inside of.
• No Cooking for a Month! I don't care if we serve cereal and toast as long as noone complains!
• Have my car detailed.  I love the "new car" smell instead of the "Wendy's old french fry" smell.
• The backyard poop-scooped without complaining.
• No text-messages asking for money, time, or attention for 24 hours.
• A small amount of praise in the form of gifts and cards would be nice too.

What about you?  What's on your list?




* incidents/attitudes described above may or may not have happened in real life.