Books That Stink On Ice

Instead of a post about books I love,
I'm sharing the books I hated reading...
because we all have those too!

First off,
the required reading books of my high school years:

Of Mice and Men by John Steinbeck.

I hated the book so much
that I've managed to entirely block out
what the mental guy killed with his bare hands--
a kitten? a puppy? a chicken? a mouse?

The Great Gatsby by F. Scott Fitzgerald.
There wasn't a single character I could relate to,
care about, or think about
once I closed the book.

She's Come Undone by Wally Lamb
Okay so I read this because Oprah told me to.
I don't remember a thing about it,
but just that I didn't care for it
and I thought I'd give Oprah one more chance,
so I read the next icky book:

Deep End of the Ocean 
I started reading it days before I left on a business trip
to Las Vegas.
It started off pretty good,
but about mid-way,
it was painful to get thru each page.
However, I was determined to get through it--
because, gosh-darn-it,
Oprah said it was good.
I read on the airplane,
in the shuttle,
and just as we entered the hotel in Las Vegas,
I finished it,
saw a trash bin near the entrance,
then I dumped the whole book right in
grateful to be done.
Michelle Pfeiffer starred in the movie version.
I didn't go see it.
N' I like her.

Okay, I have to preface this last one
with the fact that my mother is a prolific reader--
she always had paperback books around the house
and
The National Enquirer.
(Yeah, she treated that like it was written by 
Walter Cronkite.)
SO while she enjoyed reading,
her choices never included classics.
Thank goodness for public school,
otherwise I'd never been exposed to anything that resembles literature--
such as Mr. Steinbeck's offering and the like.
One of the books floating around the house
was

"The Amityville Horror".
I was 17.
It freaked. my. guts. out.
so bad that I threw the book across the room
and couldn't even touch the book for a couple of days. Had nightmares and to this day,
look upon ceramic lions with suspicion.










And lastly,
I had a Mother-In-Law that liked to send me books
on Mothering/Parenting/Wife-ing.
Apparently, I needed help--
maybe she knew I'd been raised by wolves?
Or just that I was married to her lunatic son.
In any case,
I always read the books,
circled or underlined the things that appealed to me
and in general, liked them.
Except for one.

"Families Are Forever: if I can just get thru this day!"
First off, it didn't read  like a comedy.
There was little to no humor in it.
The funniest thing about it was the title.
Second,
it made me feel like a troll of a mother--
the woman had her kids sewing their own wardrobes
by the time they could tie their shoes,
for crying outloud!
Basically, she had aliens for children.
Her kids' intelligence was other-worldly.
I bet they didn't even eat chicken nuggets
or mac n cheese
unless they grew it themselves in a raised garden
they'd built the previous spring
out of reclaimed lumber and hand-made nails.
I read it,
highlighted it,
amazed at this Super Woman who makes Tiger Mom look like a stinkin' pansy,
and then, years later, I put the book in a giveaway pile ceremoniously as I was going thru a divorce.
That was not my reality.
Just to prove this,
here are some excerpts from conversations at my house this morning:

Momza to Dara:  "You look cute this morning all dressed up. What's the occassion?"
Dara: "Thanks. Nothing really. I'm just running out of clean clothes. Gotta do laundry soon!"
***

Boofus: "Mom, I need that seven dollars for that Math book today!
Momza: "Do you wanna go with me to the ATM and get some out? I'll give you my number and you can do it."
Boofus: "I've never used an ATM in my life."
****

Momza to Arianna: "Do you know what the angel's name is, that's on the top of the Temple?"
Arianna: "Edith?"

Clearly, I need more books on parenting/mothering.  Perhaps I'll email my former MIL. Bet she has a list for me!

What about you?

What's on your 

DO NOT READ list?