Things I Can't Do Anymore

It's time to reconcile this mind I have with this Granma's body I'm sporting.
A list seems appropriate.

In no particular order, here are the
Things I Can't Do Anymore.
The Things I Shouldn't Do Ever Again.
The Things I Once Did, But Shouldn't Have.
The Things I Wish I Had Done, But Didn't and Now I Can't.
Not to be confused with The Things I Could Never Do, But Still Wish I Could.

 Let's just start with some obvious things:
1. The Trampoline. It's not the jumping, it's the landing. No, not after 7 children.
2. Inline Skating. Toofasttoofasttoofast.
3. Skateboarding.  See #2.
4. Let's just say, Anything on two wheels.
5. Ski. Truth is, I was a novice anyways, back when I could go gliding down an ice-covered mountain on two sticks with curly ends. I had some good runs, had some laughs of sheer amazement that I'd survived the run at all. But seriously, no.
6. Water Ski. Again--two sticks on my feet, water beneath, being pulled 40 mph by a string and prayer.
7. Jump Rope. Not the jumping, but the landing.
8. Amusement rides. Give me a headache. Excite my vertigo.
9. Chinese Fire Drills.
10. Jump off a swing in mid-air.

Less Obvious:

1. High Heels.  Not the Aerosoft ones--those are ugly, granma shoes. No, we're talking Jessica Simpson style. Too tall. Too tight. Too little fat on the bottom of my feet. I can actually feel my feet bones crunch.
2. Boots. Boots look dumb on old women. Unless they're Russian women wearing Russian boots. Or French women wearing Italian boots. Or an old ballerina--she can wear anything with her crumpled-up arthritic feet if she wants, she's earned it.
3. Patterned leg hosiery. Whereas I used to adore the fun and trendy patterns in my youth and young womanhood, it would draw attention to my overly-round calves at this point and that is not my goal.
4. Lace.  There's a fine line between feminine lace and old woman lace.  I have yet to find it.
5. Leggings.
6. Leg warmers.
7. Lacy Leggings.
8. Lacy Leg Warmers.
9. Hair Extensions.  Not that I ever got to try those out, but still, that's a big fat 'No'.
10. Going Blonde. Never did. Never will now.
11. Growing my hair past my shoulders. Hairstylist to the Stars, Jose Eber said it in the 80's and it's still true..over 40 is a "No".
12. Mulitple peircings.  Still have the two I got in 2nd grade and again peirced by my cousins in the 5th grade. Never got more than two, but my window of opportunity is long closed even if I entertained the idea.
13. Tattoos. Never wanted one, but old women shouldn't be coloring on their bodies anyway, unless it's their own name and SS# or home phone#...a thought I have entertained over the past few years.
13. oops. already have 13.
14. Colored eye contacts. Not even for fun.
15. Gold teeth grills.  Ever see an old woman with one?  {shudder}

More Random Things Off the Table:

1. Dating. (BAHAHA!)
2. Eating pasta before bedtime.
3. Or dairy before bedtime.
4. Or donuts before bedtime.
5. Anything after 5pm is a "No Go".
6. Watching the sun rise.  Not unless I happen to be up from #2,#3,#4.
7. All night movie marathons. Or movies that start after 7:30pm.
8. Midnight showings of anything, anywhere.
9. Free Pie Day at IHOP...not that I don't love pie. I just forget to go on Wednesdays--the Free Pie Day.
10. Rappelling off mountains. Not that I ever did it often.

11. Scuba diving.
12. Sky jumping.
13. Parasailing.
14. Bungee jumping.
15. Again, anything with "jumping". See #1 and #7 in first column.
16. Experimenting with my hair.  I just got the most awful haircut--I look like "Moe" from the Three Stooges right now with bangs that are nearly 2 inches long. At this point in my life my hair is kinda important to my self-esteem. And while I am not a beauty queen with a strict regiment, I enjoy curling my bangs when I have them.
17. Bright nail polish. Old woman hands. Good for cuddling babies, drying tears, making buttermilk biscuits, folding laundry, driving kids to lessons...not for "Palisade Pink" on lab-created nails.

18. Long, dangly earrings.  Makes me look like an Afghan Hound. Or Liberace.  Imagine Erma Bombeck and I'm a close doppelganger.
19. Hot Dogs. Even the good ones. eww.
20. Suffer Fools. I have no patience for them.
21. Remembering things without writing them down.
22. Remembering things without writing them down.
23. What? I forgot #23.
24. My Beloved Zumba. Vertigo stinks.
25. Ride in an elevator.  I have to take the stairs sometimes. Vertigo Stinks On Ice.
26. Drive a Stick. It's not that I can't but I don't want to.
27. "Wait to go."  As in, "I'll just wait to go until I get home from Target."
28. Paint a ceiling.
29. Cross-stitch. I useta cross-stitch all the days...now me eyes go crossed looking fer that tiny hole!
20. Ooops. Already did #20.
30. Daydream about "someday". Someday is here.
There's more, of course, there's more. But that's all I can remember today.

What're some things you can't do anymore?