The Burn of Divorce & Heavenly Healing

This pretty much symbolizes
what it's like
when my children have gone to visit
their mostly-estranged birth father
and come home...
fiery intense.

They don't see him hardly ever--
in 15 years,
I think the total comes close to maybe 8 times
for the youngest,
less for our special needs son,
who I think is around 3 times total.

The reason isn't as complex--
simply put,
the man isn't interested in having
relationships with five other human beings
whom he has fathered.

The older children don't bother him anymore--
they're busy living their adult lives
and let that part of their past lie dormant;
they discovered
that while normal relationships with those you do love
take much effort,
it is impossible to have one with someone
who consistently makes himself
unavailable.

But Dara was just 20 months old when her dad left
and she's been curious about him
for a few years now.
She would very much like him to be part of her life.
She graduates this year from high school
and, like her four other siblings,
invited him to her graduation ceremony.
He declined.
Not only did he decline that,
but told her not to expect him to show up
for any important days in her life--
as has been evident for the other children.
He doesn't come to baptisms,
graduations,
mission farewells or homecomings,
weddings,
or baby blessings.
(And for the record,
I have written him notes and invited him personally too,
those go unanswered.)

Now this is not out-of-character for him.
It is totally how he was when I was married to him.
In fact,
just before we divorced, we saw a marriage counsellor
who asked me,
"If there was one thing Dave could do to make you reconsider
this divorce, what would that be?"
I said,
"Invest more in the children."
The counselor looked to Dave for a response,
to which he replied,
"The children are irrelevant to me."
Shock swept over the counselor's face;
he turned back to me and he knew what I knew:
I had nothing to lose by divorcing this man.

That was 17 years ago.
Despite Dave's opinion that noone would ever want to marry
me, a thirty-four year old woman with five children,
he was wrong.
He was easily replaced.
God had a plan for me and my children
and we were blessed to have Mr. W come into our lives.

It took awhile for my own emotional wounds to heal,
but they did.
It has taken longer for my children's hearts to heal,
though each of them can see and understand
why we cut Dave loose so many years ago.
He has proven to be exactly the man I knew he was--
there has been no repentance or improvement
in his life's journey.
He didn't learn a doggone thing from losing an entire family.

So, Dara, who just turned 18 this week,
decided spend her own money
and go see her dad and his girlfriend and her half-sister
for Spring Break.
Her siblings' response to her plan
was not a positive one--
"Why does she do this to herself?"
"She needs to let go already."
they voiced.
They're anxious for her to come to the same
resolution they each have come to;
they want her to move forward past him,
and be happy.

But I knew she had to do this.
As she and I discussed her motives for wanting to go down
she explained that this would be her last effort
to get him to want to be part of her life.

She has an optimist's heart.

I've seen this before in all of the other children...
they try so hard to hang onto him
just like I did,
and they each get to the same place emotionally
that I finally got to--
after 14 years of marriage
I had to move on and let him go.
He was damaged beyond my ability to heal.
I felt like a failure.
In my naivete,
I thought if I could just be a better wife
it would be enough for him to be
kind and true to me.
Then, I grew up
and realized that just wasn't going to happen.

Knowing this truth about my self,
I totally get the process my children have to also
experience.
So, when Dara made her plans,
I held my breath and braced for the impact
that was sure to follow
when she came home.

Just as in the past when the kids had gone down to visit
their dad,
their return was akin to a Space Shuttle rocket
re-entering the earth's atmosphere--
it's gonna burn.
Their hearts will be inflamed with pain
and hurt and unrequited love.
Rejection written on their faces
like a fiery angry sadness.
I used to get caught up in their emotions too--
but these many years later,
I think I handle it more objectively...
realizing that the best thing I can do
is to be a sounding board,
a safe place to vent their frustrations,
and not add my own to theirs.
My goal is to help them move forward
in a healthy way--
to get past the burn of helplessness to change him,
and help them have the truer perspective
that none of us can make another person
want to love us or be a part of our lives.
That's just not possible.

So Dara's re-entry was early yesterday morning--
I listened to her grieving for most of the day
and into last night.
She detailed all the many ways
he shut her down, shut her out--
from having no pictures of her and the rest of the kids
in his house or office,
to his rants about why he can't be there for her,
and his ugly opinions of me, her mother,
to the final day where he had his girlfriend
drive Dara to the airport so he could be done
with the visit sooner.

My girl cried sad, sad tears.

It's hard to watch.
It's hard to bear the realization of what
my very poor, ignorant choice of a husband
when I was just 20 years old--
what the fall-out of that choice has done
to five innocents.

The re-entry fire is simmering down
this morning...
at least on the outside.
I suspect her heart is still hot-to-the-touch
today as she goes through the motions
of a day back at school.
How could it not be, right?

For her birthday,
we bought her a pair of
white temple slippers and a white handkerchief--
to remind her of whose daughter she really, truly IS--
and that her path now,
as rocky as it feels,
will lead her to Him.
I sat with her alone while she opened the gifts,
telling her that if she'll ask for divine help
to get through these hard times in her life,
Jesus will be there for her.

And that's the best I could do--
wrap her in my arms,
point her to Christ,
encourage her to let the Atonement lift
her pain and give her peace.
I know this,
because I had to do the same thing--
ask my Savior to help me get through
the chaos of divorce and come out on the other side of it
the person I wanted to be...
it took alot of time,
repentance and prayers of my own,
and a willingness to let the Savior lead me along
in trust and hope.

Just the other day,
my good friends and I went to the temple.
Upon reflection of my prayers in there,
I realized that most of the prayer I offered
was one of gratitude for the blessings I have been given,
and the joys I have in my daily life.
I have loving, faithful children and
an eternal companion in Kent.
These have come through heavenly healing.

*art by Simon Dewey