How To Be Completely Miserable

My Nana prepared this for her Speech Class.
She got an "A" on it.
I had to share it.
I know you'll love it!

(I've edited some of it for this format!)

Topic: How to be completely miserable

Specific Goal: To inform the class in a humorous way how to be totally miserable and hopefully convey to them that we CHOOSE to be miserable.

Thesis: Happiness is a choice. So is being miserable. Only you can decide how you want to live your life.

       I.   Today I will share with you my top five favorite affirmations.

A.      First I will be self-destructive

B.      Today I will take no responsibility for anything

C.      Team playing is for insecure people who aren’t capable of doing things on their own

D.     I accept that I am a humorless wretch

E.      Today I will pick out one physical flaw in everyone I see

         II.   I believe that in doing these five things on a regular basis you will find absolutely no joy in life.  You will achieve your goal of being completely miserable EVERY DAY.

            III.    If you are currently in the ritual of self-wallowing and are thoroughly enjoying your meaningless existence, I strongly encourage you to listen to these helpful tips on how to reach your goal.

Transition: First things first, how to be Self-Destructive.

I.                    Be self- consumed. “But enough about me…what do YOU think about me?”

A.      It is all about you.

1.      And because it is all about you, you’ll have ample time to focus all your energy on finding every imperfection about yourself.

II.                  Over analyze your imperfections.

A.      Keep an on-going list of everything you dislike about yourself.

B.      Consistently tell yourself that you are not good enough.

III.                Compare yourself to those around you.

A.      Always be looking for ways to be less like you and more like someone else.

Transition: Now after you’ve self- destructed take a moment to blame everyone else in the world for your problems.

I.                    Do yourself a favor and don’t take responsibility for your actions today. It makes being miserable so much easier if you aren’t accountable to anyone or anything.

A.      Pass your obligations onto somebody else.

1.      Simply don’t show up for work.

2.      Appear emotionally unavailable to someone in pain.-

b. No longer will people be begging you for sympathy. (Works every time!)

                        B. Blame other people for your mistakes.

                                    1.  AKA. LIE!

    a. Lying fixes most day to day problems, if you lie you can’t be punished for the mistakes made.

Transition: Part of being miserable means being alone.

I.                    When left alone you don’t have to abide by anyone else’s rules or adhere to their opinions.

A.      Don’t be a team player.

1.      People who thrive on being in groups or on teams are just incapable of making decisions for themselves.

a.      Be a free thinker. Don’t pass the ball! Sharing will make you weak! Don’t fit in! And most importantly don’t make friends...They only hold you back.

Transition:  With a social life you’re bound to be caught smiling and laughing; two things that are BIG “No, No’s” in a quest to be miserable!

I.                    Accept that you are not funny.

A.      In fact you don’t even have a humorous bone in your body.

1.      You’ve finally reached an exalted state of mind in which you are now incapable of even cracking a smile.

Transition: When you have conquered this pesky habit of being minorly content in life, replace the void by seeking out the flaws in others.

I.                    Make it a goal to find something wrong with everyone you meet, every day.

A.      Then openly criticize these people in front of a large audience so as to completely humiliate them at the same time!

1.      Make sure to leave each new acquaintance with a lower self-esteem level so as to make yourself feel empowered by their humiliation.

Transition: Don’t you feel more miserable already?!

I.                    Lets take a moment to review our key points

A.      Be self-destructive!

B.      Take no responsibility!

C.      Don’t be a team player!

D.     No laughing, smiling, or friend making!

E.      Find flaws in others!

II.                  In following these few simple steps I can guarantee that in a matter of minutes you will be on the path to self-hate, pity, and misery!