My Gratitude is True

There are parts to mothering a handicapped child,
that bring me infinite Joy:
watching Dean play any of his myriad of sports--
his three-pointers in basketball,
his homeruns in softball,
his goals in soccer,
those slam-dunks in volleyball,
and finishing up a solid lap in swimming.

Each time, I feel like I"m witnessing a miracle
from a little boy whom I was told by
"medical professionals"
would never walk or talk.

Dean amazes me.

He is the softspot of my heart,
the tender underbelly of my soul.
I can barely speak of him to others without my heartstrings pulling
and oh brother, the tears erupt faster than I can stop them.
When it comes to my love for this child,
I am completely raw.

Dean hasn't lived with us in five years,
because his needs exceed my abilities.
I hate that.
Can I just say that without sounding pathetic?
I hate it.

I miss him more than I can say.
I am only whole
when he's at home,
sleeping under my roof,
eating at our dinner table.

Since it's Thanksgiving,
we made plans to see Dean.
His State-run program only allows us to see Dean
for 4 consecutive 24-hour periods.
Totally sucks.
Otherwise, there's a financial adjustment for his caregivers,
and that always makes me feel guilty
on both ends--
if we keep him longer,
it takes money out of his caregivers' pockets,
but when I don't see Dean,
I worry that he feels abandoned.

Phone calls do not make the distance easier,
because in every call,
he pleads to come home and see us.
I know he misses us.
There's just no easy way around this.
We used to live in the same city as he does,
but then we moved,
and the county we live in now,
has insufficient funds for quality care for Dean.
So in his best interest,
we've left him up in Loveland.
None of this is easy.

Anyway,
getting to the Gratitude Part--
Dani was going to pick up Dean yesterday
as she is just an hour away from him,
and bring him home to me.
But since Mr. Idaho is the EQP (Elders' Quorum President) in his ward,
he has responsibilities that prevented her from being able to take the one car
they have (they traded in their individual cars last summer and bought just one.)

I was worried anyway,
about Dani going by herself to pick Dean up,
as he is moving again from the caregiver's home he
JUST moved into in September--
because that caregiver says he was unaware that Dean's needs
exceeded his ability as well.
I've been mad about that--
I hate moving Dean and I know it stresses him out,
like any normal person would be,
only alot worse.
So I worried about Dani being able to handle Dean
if he had an outburst and became physical.

I called work and tried to see if I could leave early
for the two hour drive up north to get him
myself.
The answer was No.

Mr. W said he could go get Dean after work--
which would put them home around 7:30-8pm.
That's a long day,
but at the time, seemed like our only option.

Then, Dani called back and said she'd make it work somehow
so that she could get him and keep him overnight at her place
and bring him with her family on Thanksgiving.

Okay, so in the meantime,
I'm trying to work things like time and place
out with Dean's caregiver.
When one of us will get there,
and where we can meet up so we don't have to go
all the way into Loveland.

That was stressing me out
because I want to make it easy on the caregiver,
ya know?
He's already asked that we remove Dean from his home,
I don't wanna inconvenience him if I don't have to.
ugh.

So I went to work,
hope full that Dani could work it out on her end,
and just flat-out sad that I couldn't just do it myself,
as I usually do.
Before I had a job.
I was just too emotional for words,
so what do I do when I'm like that?
I clean.
N' just so you know,
the floors, counters, tabletops, lamp shades,
shelves, and every other stinkin' thing
in All About Home Showroom
is spotless today.

Around two hour after I got to work,
my Nana came by to tell me she was on her way to
Loveland to pick up Dean.
Her work cancelled and she would do it.
I was relieved and grateful,
but worried at the same time,
for all of the same reasons I was worried about Dani going
AND
because we were assured a snow storm was going to hit
our side of the Rockies yesterday
and she still hasn't put on her snow tires yet.

I gave her a big hug,
and proceeded to pray while I was cleaning
all day long yesterday,
for her safety and Dean's emotional state.

All Day.

When I finished sweeping the whole store,
I dusted.
When I finished dusting,
I vacuumed.
When I wrapped the cord around the vacuum,
I dusted again.
Then I swept under every thing I could get to.
And dusted again.
I did that for the six plus hours I was there,
as there were just three customers all day long.

I told Nana to call me once she got there,
and once she got Dean and was on her way back home.
And she did,
but when the clock rolled around to 4pm and she still wasn't home with him
I was worried and called her.

She was at Dani's house with Dean.
She said she took him there because he needed to be cleaned up
before I saw him
as she knew I'd be upset.
So she took him to Dani's house.
Dani is a second Mom to Dean--
she and Mr. Idaho gave Dean a shower,
cut his hair,
cleaned his ears,
shaved his overgrown beard,
trimmed his toenails,
brushed his teeth,
put on deodorant
and clean clothes,
fed him and loved him.
I told Nana to give Dani and Brad a big hug for me.

And then, once that was done,
Nana brought him home to me.

Do you get this??
Am I leaving anything out?

I have an amazing family...
sisters and brothers who love each other
and serve one another
and by doing so fill my heart with unspeakable joy!

Even when I cannot be there for Dean,
the softspot of my heart,
his brothers and sisters ARE.
They served him in the most pure way--
caring for his physical body.

Look, I don't know why his caregiver hasn't done
a better job at taking care of Dean...
to make sure his hair is trim,
his beard is shaven,
his teeth and ears and nails are properly hygienic.
I don't know.
BUT,
we are moving him to a better place next week.
There's a mother in that home.
And for that,
I am grateful too.

I admit,
I wondered yesterday why this is so hard.
And that old puke, Satan was ever present in my ear,
making me feel more crappy about the challenges that are mine
than I already did.
I compared myself to my friends--
whose trials seem so insignificant in this light to me.
I wish I had a friend who had a son like mine.
So I would know at least one Mother in the world
whose grief compares--
apples to apples, ya know?

But here's the thing--
as those ugly thoughts clamored for attention
yesterday
and I cleaned until I couldn't clean anymore--
like a tiger circling it's cage,
I circled the store,
cleaning and straightening,
with tears sneaking out of my eyes at times,
finally
a feeling of peace came over me,
and it was time to go home.

I was at home for just a little while,
busy making dinner,
when Joseph came bounding down the stairs:
"He's Here! Dean's here!! They just pulled up!!"
Daisie and Ari came a-running
and we all gathered at the doorway to welcome Dean home.

His thousand watt smile greeted us,
and my arms encircled my boy with all the strength I had,
I breathed him in and found peace after a long day of unrest.

I hugged Nana,
and when Mr. W came home,
he hugged Nana,
and Ari hugged Nana too...
all of us grateful she was able to fetch our Dean for us.

I was fretting about not being the Mom,

the one who is in charge of Dean--

and here I am,

several hours later,

realizing the day was just as should've been--

Dean's sisters and brother-in-love saw the opportunity

to serve both Dean and Me,

and they seized it with their hearts wide open.

I don't know any other mother

who has my same trials,

but the gratitude I feel right now,

is unequaled too.

If this is what family is all about,
then what more can I ask for?

It's Thanksgiving Morning.
My Gratitude is True.