Building A Stronger Child IV

This is 4 of 5 in a series with answers by a Child Education Psychologist and my BIL, Zane.

Setting Boundaries:
Setting boundaries for kids gives security to them. Knowing the expectations upfront creates goals. Parents should set the expectations—based on faith, ideals, values, etc. Being consistent in your
expectations is critical. Repetition is essential. Be consistent. When setting the expectations, focus on the Positive. Also make sure there are consequences that are constructive and relevant.

What’s the best, effective way to share or state what those expectations are to a child?
For young children, modeling and reinforcing the expectations you have is a start. Break expectations with regards to boundaries you have for younger children into ‘manageable’ parts so that they can learn to build on them.
For older children, and clearly for adolescents, letting them know when the boundaries are changing and why is the best practice. The problem often is that younger children work well within the boundaries and structure that parents provide, but the older child, and again surely the adolescent, will try to move the boundaries without consequence---it’s part of the maturation process, but you may have never had to stake the boundaries and consequence quite as firmly as you do for a pre-teen or teenager.

How does a parent know if the boundaries they have set are reasonable and age-relevant?
Again, the consistency of the message in setting boundaries and reinforcing the consequences of ‘dancing’ outside them is a big part of this. It’s not a science, it’s an art---you may have to flex and bend on some things while standing firm on others. And not that I was always personally the best at this, but calmly explaining what your expectations are in clear language is a good way to deliver the news to teenagers. Of course, they want to negotiate / argue / reject. That’s part of the tape they will play as they mature, but a calm discussion always seemed to bring better results than the tense ones.
If your teenager rebels seemingly harshly over a new boundary, waiting until the air clears so that you can have a positive discussion might help in resolving the situation. One thing that always stopped that discussion in its tracks for me was the explanation by the teenager that…”well, so-and-so is doing it / gets to go / whatever!” Inside your head, you probably have your own parent’s voice ringing…”well if so-and-so jumped off a cliff…” I always found that this was a good time to go with your gut on this one: if that explanation sounds reasonable, OK, otherwise, the cliff-jumping analogy applies!
Boundaries are going to, and have to change as your child gets older. Consistency in the delivery of those expectations is the best policy. And I always try to remember that no child’s life was ever permanently ruined because your boundaries are different from his/her peers.