Building A Stronger Child

“Raising children is like being pecked to death by chickens.”

“No other success can compensate for failure in the home.”

Last November, a thought popped into my head. It stirred around and around until it settled in, good and deep and I decided to act upon it. My brother-in-love, Zane, is a School Psychologist in what he describes at as a “Middle Class, Blue Collar District” in the Bay Area of California. He is an intelligent, well-spoken advocate for children in his profession. So I called him and asked if he’d be on board to help me write a few posts on how to help parents be better parents, because I think he’s seen enough, heard enough-- the good, the bad and the ugly-- that his counsel is valid and has the potential to really help us parents who are still in the trenches striving to reach our goal of raising our children into healthy, responsible, loving adults. That is our goal, right? And most of us haven’t gone to school for Educational Psychology or the like, so having access to a professional who also holds a Masters Degree in Educational Psychology is a gift to the rest of us. I asked the questions and he answered!
Zane has agreed to share his counsel in several areas:
I- Social Skills
II- Academic & Parental Expectations
III- Understanding How Your Child Learns
IV- Setting Boundaries
V- Peers and their Influence


I-Social Skills and the effect they have on our children:
Zane observes that the overall condition of our society has been damaged by the lack of social skills: manners, courtesy, respect for one’s self and our neighbor has gone down the tubes. These behaviors are taught in the home and are reflected in the community and particularly at school. As a result of the lack of training children basic social skills, we’ve seen an increase of disrespect essentially everywhere we turn. According to Zane, one of the guru’s for building positive behaviors in children, and for whom he has great respect, has a saying: There are no bad behaviors, only deficits in social skills. (Write that down somewhere.)
Momza:
Because I think of building a home in the context of actually building something, I think of the “materials” I use to build the foundation.
The first material for me, is R-E-S-P-E-C-T.
I know for myself that I cringe when my children are disrespectful to me or their father, or to their siblings, even. And I do not let it pass unnoticed. If I do, it comes across to my child as an acceptable form of behavior and communication. One of the things I say to the offender: “Is that how you want to talk to me?” or  “What kind of response are you hoping for, because talking to me in that tone will get you nowhere. “ And sometimes it’s a simple, but direct: “Start Over.” I firmly believe that we teach others how to treat us and that teaching starts in our living rooms.
Another material poured into the foundation is Consistency. This is an area Zane believes parents and teachers needs to focus on constantly when imparting all kinds of lessons for kids, but especially when it comes to acceptable behavior.
My goal is to be 100% predictable in my moral and ethical codes. Wishy-washiness is a recipe for disaster. I lose credibility if my temperament changes like the weather forecast. “Yes Today, No Tomorrow.” Kids learn to manipulate me when everything is negotiable, ever notice that? I know that if I say "yes" to something I'd rather say "no" to, it will come back to bite me in the bum.  It also affects their feelings of stability. If you’re not accountable to anything, why should they?

Zane notes that many of our parents were the Depression Era babies; they worked hard to give us more than they had, and we have continued that tradition. Until now, where there exists an Entitlement Trap Generation.
IE: Children’s sports teams where trophies are given to everyone because parents don’t want their kids to feel like failures or to taste defeat. They shield the child from negative experiences/feelings. We’ve prevented our kids from feeling failure, but the lesson still needs to be learned and will be learned sooner or later. The best thing would be for the lesson to be learned sooner than later in life so that the kid discovers his own strengths while he is young and learns how to move forward in spite of challenges rather than being too discouraged/inexperienced with failure to put forth more effort/have the confidence to try again.
Long term effects?
Parents won’t be going to college, or for that matter into the workforce, with their kids. Yet there are “helicopter parents” that hover over their child that need to get out of the way of life’s natural consequences. Instead of being supportive, helicopter parents want to alleviate any consequences that are painful on any level.
Question: If your child is now a teenager, what can you do to introduce better communication with them, and reestablish respect into the relationship, if it’s not been a part of the dynamics before now?
Constantly, consistently modeling that appropriate behavior and communication---show them what you want to see from them! For adolescents, this will take a LOT of time, patience, and…well time and patience. Oh, and consistency.
Academic & Parental Expectations should go hand in hand. Parents should take an active role to support their kids’ education and realize that teachers are their partners in educating their child.

How is this most effectively done, Zane?
First off is to understand your child’s strengths and weaknesses (and YES, we all have them!), know how they learn best, what interests them so that can be played on when something doesn’t interest them. If you don’t know what I mean, talk to a teacher your child has or recently had where they LOVED school or that subject. The teacher can help you understand what makes your kid tick in school.


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I've broken down the 5 topics and will share the remaining 4 over the next 4 days.


If you have more comments or questions, feel free to leave them in the comments or email me directly.