The Funny Part of This

When you put the emails from my insane mother,
together with the emails that I get in my junk file,
turns out,
my mother is bordering sanity!

In 24 hours' time,
I have received approximately 15 emails from her,
AND
I have also received no less than 42 emails
from a man who says he's the President of
THE National Bank of Nigeria
and out of all the US citizens he could choose from,
he CHOSE ME to receive over
$214,000.00
if I but send him my bank account information
to transfer the funds
ASAP!
Sahweet!

Did you see that??
ASAP!
Man, if there's one word that gets my attention
these days,
it's ASAP!
Cuz as a Mother of Many,
ASAP is more than a word,
it's a concept that I would love to
write on my yahoo's hearts--
with a Sharpie, no less!
I'm all about ASAP!

"guys, clean up your room, ASAP!"
"Let's take the dog out, ASAP!"
"Get your homework done, ASAP!"
The applications are endless, yes?

But wait! there's more--
Mr. Bank President says he will tell all of his
"associates" to put money in the till
because of my Awesomeness.

How cool is that??
Way.
It boggles the mind to think that a Bank President
would personally recommend ME to his friends!
That he'd go out on a limb like that
for a total stranger!


Is there a way that I could possibly,
mayhaps
share this wealth with a certain someone
who is in need of some attention?
Mayhaps,
I could send Mr. Bank President
her email address?
Hunh?
Hunh?
Whaddya think?

Also in my email--
AWARDS and REWARDS from every known retailer
in the galaxy
or
"in the continental United States, OFFER GOOD WHERE VALID"...
a person would be a FOOL not to follow up on every.one.of.those.babies.

Did you know that by answering just
5 questions,
I would be on the trail to Winning One MILLION Dollars?--
AND a Laptop!
There's only 425 questions
after the initial 5,
and a small investment involved,
you know,
a good faith token--
but still,
the possibilities are endless!

Old Navy
JCPenney
Lands End
Eddie Bauer
Crazy 8's
and 200 other online stores
currently offer
FREE-Stinkin- Shipping!

So, if I dig around the bottom of my purse
today
I could afford a pair of socks
to be sent to my house
for FREE,
o wait,
WHAT AM I SAYING?!
Hold the phone--
I have Mr. Bank President's money transfer
on the way!
DUDE!

I wanna be a Billionaire,
so freakin' baaaaaad.


Many will enter,
Few will win.
Enter today.

Would it be just rotten of me
to forward all of my junk mail?

I wanna be a Billionaire, 
so freakin' baaad...

Having a Mentally Ill Mother

When I was a kid,

I knew I had an unusual mother.

She was weepy and sad

angry, violent and mad.

I never knew what her mood was going to be

when I came home from school,
and holidays were huge "triggers"
for her.
It was not unusual for her to pack her things
in the middle of a holiday dinner
and be gone for weeks.

Truly, mentally ill.

She has been committed to psych wards

ever since I was 9 years old,

time and time again.

I lost count.

And when you combine mental illness with alcohol,

it is frightful.

I don't have and haven't had a relationship

with her since my youth.

Not for lack of trying--

what child doesn't want their mother's love, afterall?

But mentally ill persons

are not capable of having healthy relationships.

So out of self-preservation,

I let go years and years ago;

but two years from this month,

one of my brothers showed my mother

my lil blog.

He didn't know that by doing so,

would create havoc in my life.

He thought she'd enjoy seeing and reading

about my children and me.

Oh if that were only the case.

Every few months,

I get a stream of emails

for days

and days

from my mother.

I've blocked her many email addresses,

only for her to create another one

and she starts again

with threats and ugliness.

She'll blow off steam

and then go away for a few weeks

or even months.

But eventually,

she makes it back around

and the cycle continues.

Another cycle started this week.

I don't usually read the entire letters--

it's alot of negativity to absorb,

so I just hit DELETE

over and over...

however, in one of the few I scanned,

she told she was going to "destroy" me.

Seeing as how I live several hundreds of miles away,

I blew it off.

I'm too busy living and working to think about it too much,

so I thought 

"whatever."
I don't take it as tho I'm the only one,
as my brothers are going thru the same thing.
It's hard to know what to do.

And then today,

I got an email from one of my friends, 

who'd rec'd an unusual email from someone she doesn't know--

and among other things, 

the email said I plagiarize in my blog.

My friend forwarded the email to me.

I recognized the sender's email address.

"Plagiarizing" or the idea that I do so,

boggles my mind...

why would I bother to plagiarize the nonsense

that is my life?

And where would I find time to copy another mother's life?

I have friends and family who read this lil blog--

you know,

people who would totally kick my bahooey

if I was lyin' about whatever it I'm supposed to have lied about!
And with my mother only having a 9th grade education,
well, I don't know that she understands what
"plagiarism" really is, ya know?

It was hard to admit to my friend

that the source of the email

was, is,

in fact,

my mother.

I don't know how many others were emailed,

and I've debated on whether to address this mess

at all--

I'm too old to be dealing with this stuff

and I worry about putting it out here at all

because as they say,

"negative attention is better than no attention"--

my mentally ill mother thrives on this stuff.

But I don't know how to make her go away.

She just won't.

And I just wanted to apologize to any and all of you

who may have had the unpleasant experience

of dealing with this ugliness.

It is part of my reality and I just deal with it the best I can.

I asked my husband and kids what I should do--

ignore this or deal with it, apologize where apologies are warranted,

or just close my blog down altogether.

I chose to deal with it
and I apologize to you if you've been targeted by

my mother.

I'm not sure if I should just close down my blog--

she'd love that-- control is her thing--

or just wait this out and hopefully,

she'll get her fill and go away again.

I'm not sure.

But I am sorry.

I'm angry and I'm sorry.

But I can't make her well

and I can't get her to leave me alone.

My comments will have to be hidden for awhile,
so she cannot access anyone who comments.
Thank you for understanding.
Mental illness sucks.

For Amy's Heart--Remembering Ella

In Mesa Arizona, Tuesday night,
a child came into the world,
took a few breaths,
and
returned to her
Heavenly Home
taking pieces of her family's hearts
with her.

Her name is Ella.
Her mom's name is Amy.
Her Granma's name is Marilyn.
I love Marilyn and her family.

Would you please go visit Marilyn
and share your mother-hearts with her and her family?

Amy and her sweet husband Bret,
are young,
and he's in dental school,
so there's a donation site set up to help
with funeral expenses
called "Remembering Ella".
I know you'll want to help.
Because that's what we do.
And if you're inclined,
will you share this with your kind readers,
and give them the opportunity
to love also?

Thank you.

I WON!

So remember when I shared that I entered a Recipe
for a new Mary Englebreit Slow Cooker Cookbook Contest?


Look what showed up in the mail today??

 Two autographed copies!

With my Submission included!!  Wahoo!

I could spontaneously combust right now!
Wahoo!

For A Laugh

Christmas Confessions: Hoar Frost, Christmas Wowzas and Paper Plates

 This was our world two days before Christmas....
Hoar frost everywhere.
I love it.
Every blade of grass,
every twig and leaf,
every every thing
is frosted over.
As the sun rises,
the world is all glittery,
even magical.

The moon was still out that morning--

which sparked the child in me with wonder.

I don't care about the science of it all,

the logical reason and fact,

it's there

and its beautiful.

Have I told you lately that I love Colorado Springs?

By Christmas Eve,
the frost was gone,
and we were left with
warm, sunny weather--
35 degrees warmer than last year!
I ran up to Loveland and fetched Dean--
who was so so so excited to come home
for the holidays!
He was beaming and yammering
all the way,
and of course, offered to drive for me
should I get tired.
It did my heart good to put my arms around him
and breathe him in,
considering what happened after Thanksgiving.

We had the sister missionaries over for dinner--
we brought out the nice dishes,
made prime rib and crab legs--
laughed and giggled as we pried open the crab,
and before we knew it,
the day was over,
and I was in my room,
wrapping gifts--
in between knocks on my door
from anxious children
"too excited to sleep".

This is the first year
that Joseph,
 knowing the myth of Santa,
wanted to help wrap gifts.
I couldn't let him.
I told him why.
When I was his age,
and I finally knew,
I BEGGED my mother to let me help her
wrap gifts--
she tried to put me off,
but I wouldn't have it,
so she relented and I loved wrapping
all of my brother's gifts,
then placing them under the tree.
I went to bed excited.
But come Christmas morn,
I was not as excited--
I knew what was beneath each box and bow.
The magic was missing,
and it was missed.
I didn't ask the next year,
to help wrap the gifts.

So I told Joseph my experience,
and we compromised:
Once the gifts were wrapped,
we let him lay a few under the tree
and he happily went to bed.

What's wrong with this tree?
Why, half the lights up and quit during the season, that's what.
There's a metaphor for my life there,
I just need to think about it long enough.

So, everyone who knows Me
and knows Daisie,
knows the battle that has ensued over a cell phone.
She has whined for one
for as long as I can remember.
Especially since she got into high school.
But I haven't wanted her to have one
because I've felt that it wouldn't be healthy for her
to not have my parental barrier
to protect her.
I know how stupid teenagers are,
and I wanted to be sure Daisie was mature
for that barrier to be removed.

So, after much deliberation between Mr. W and me,
we got her a phone.
She had no idea.
But being the rotten parents we are,
we took the phone outta the box it came in,
and wrapped it,
then hid the phone on the tree.

 "Wait! What the heck?!"  (notice Diana--she's getting ready to dial the new phone number)

"Whah?  No phone?  You guys are cruel!"

:::Cue the phone to ring:::

Nana: "Uh, that's for you. Better get it."

The money shot.

The yahoos rec'd new stockings this year,

seein' as how we can never seem to put them 

all back in the holiday bins every year

and one is always missing.

 The Boofus wearing his climbing harness and holding his "Mountaineering Bible".

We're finally past "Legos" and action figures! Yea!

"Smile, Dean!"

"Bee, show us your harness!"

(it's even purple for girls!)

And here's Mr. W's new harness too--

I'm amazed that he's so excited to get the kids into this,

as he's going to be 55 years old in 2011!

My dad didn't lift anything beyond the remote control

at this age.

Just goes to show, 

having kids when you're older

can keep you young too!

Ahhh the Wii....

and just a FYI--

the yahoos have been playing it

NON-STOP

since Christmas Day.

It's been a blast to have them playing together,

squealing in laughter and defeat,

and I will say it was the perfect gift

given at the perfect time--

they're at the ages to really enjoy it.

As for the Spiritual Gifts--

this year I did something different.

I wrote each child a letter

regarding "their" scripture--

the scripture I "gave" to them on their baptism day.

The letters were well received,

and a few tears escaped our eyeballs.

I may make this a new tradition,

because as each child read their letters outloud

after all the other gifts had been opened,

it was a tender moment to be remembered.

So Christmas Confessions:

*I did not make cinnamon rolls for breakfast,

but Dean brought some for us, premade, 

and that was great!

*We didn't go carolling this year. At All.

*We didn't make cookies for our neighbors,

but we did run a danish ring over to the neighbors

whose yard our entire trampoline blew over into

a couple days before--Panera Bread makes great danish rings.

*My Visiting Teaching sisters' gifts are still sitting in the front room.

*I forgot to buy Mr. W a Christmas gift--

beyond a box of chocolates.

He was cool with that, though, 

ensuring I shall keep him another year.

* NO Christmas cards were sent out. In fact, they weren't even bought.

* I joined an ornament exchange, and only after I rec'd one in the mail,

did I realize it was a handmade ornament exchange. ( I suck at that!) So I ran to Hobby Lobby and 

made an ornament out of a silver bell with black velvet ribbon looped through it,

then promptly forgot to mail them out!!!  So, if you're reading this,

and sent me an ornament, know that I will get that bell out to you this week,

hopefully before you put your tree away. And I'm sorry.

* Our family was a Secret Santa for another family and we loved it!

And finally,

We ate off Paper Plates on Christmas Day.

True story:

we had 3 Christmas-themed paper plates left,

and I found 3 birthday party paper plates in the pantry,

then Nana offered to get out plastic forks too,

and I thought, "why not?"--

afterall what is a paper plate without a plastic fork 

to enhance the whole "casual dining" experience?

We had a honeybaked ham and salads and

Marie Calendar made the pie!

The clean-up was a breeze.

I'm not gonna lie,

I was a happy mom to be outta the kitchen

in less than 15 minutes

so I could take a nap!

N' that was Christmas 2010!
It was magical and fun,

silly and sweet.

What about you?

Any Christmas Confessions you wanna share?

Funny Funny Mother!

Love THIS!!!

Thanks to LisaLulu  of the Davis Dialogues for sharing!

I'm too tired
to shop for gifts or food.
I think we've got enough, ya know?
Can't I just hand them a gift card and call it a day?
My eyes are burning,
and I have a dull headache from rubbing shoulders
in lines at the retail stores,
and driving bumper to bumper,
circling parking lots for endless minutes.
I am Mom,
hear me Whine.

Too tired to think about this weekend--
because between here and there
are days of work.
What about paper plates?
Yeah, No, Maybe So?

And carolling was crossed off my list this year.
In fact,
I don't think it ever materialized on an actual list.
Sorta rumbled around my head
like a loose marble
and then got lost.


How do you think the fam would feel about going to Wendy's for Christmas dinner?
I already got the Honeybaked ham, but ya know,
that'll keep until New Years, right?
Wendy's chili is always good.
I need a nap.

Do I have to wrap all the presents?
What if I just taped the store bags and topped them with a
stick-on bow?
Think the yahoos would mind ripping open bags with Walmart, Target, Ulta, and REI on them
instead of gold and red wrapping paper?
Think of all the trees we'll be saving.

And can I just sit with my feet up Christmas morning
and not run around
trying to get hot cocoa going
and the cinnamon rolls warmed?
I could just yell down the hallway
for the kids to go ahead and open their gifts
and
delegate someone else to take pics for me
to look at later
after I sleep in until ten.

Can I just do that and not feel guilty?

Colorado Rocks!

 It's a week before Christmas
here in Colorado Springs.
Nevermind that it got down to something like 5 degrees 
earlier this week,
with snow everywhere.

 Not today though.
Today was Gorgeous!
And Coloradoans know that when the sun comes out
it's time to get outside and play!
It's a Great Way to spend time with la familia!

 Garden of the Gods, my friends, is our little piece of heaven on earth.

And look at the top of that peak--see that tiny spec on top?  That's actually two climbers!

 And there's Mr. W lasso-ing himself  so that he can help Boofus get a leg up...
Because this is a new love for the yahoos--Rock Climbing.

 What trip would be complete without a "pouter"?  gots to love it.
She asked Dad: How do I get down from here?
"Just curl up in a ball and roll down."
The Caboose: "This is my favorite shirt!"

Boofus all figure-eight-cinched-up and ready to climb.

My attempt at a self-pic...man, I'm old.

Pics of the 15 yo,

who is still alive and breathing.

And her sour mood lifted...

 See the Moon just off to the right?  That was so cool.

So we just kept scramblin' around on the rocks

 And I took a slip on the rocks,
n' got a sliver in my finger.
I asked the Caboose to cut my finger off--
she didn't think that was funny,
not even a little.

 And then, Daisie found something:

A memorial for a 

"Beloved Mother".

My heart sorta melted right there.

N' then we came across a herd of mule deer--
and that was a good time to call it a day.

Moms and Christmas

Up to your knees in wrapping paper
and elbows in flour and sugar?

Wondering if your children appreciate
all that you are doing
today
right now
for Christmas?

Go right here
and wonder no more.
this is written by my
Daughter-In-Love's
Sister-In-Love.


Take a Tissue!!

Silent Monks Halleliujah Chorus

A group of High School Students Entertain us!

A Little Sliver of Drama

I grew up watching
"General Hospital" when I was a little girl.
My mom had to watch "her shows" every day
at 3pm, Eastern Standard Time.

I don't remember the show being about surgeries,
but more about the hospital staff's love lives.
And seriously,
those people lied their heads off most of the time
to each other!
So if someone were to ask me what I learned most
from watching "General Hospital",
I'd have mostly likely said,
"how to look someone in the eye and lie them."

But then came along "ER"--
and alot of action revolved around
"the O.R.",
and then "Grey's Anatomy" with Mc Dreamy, McSteamy,
and the whole HeeHaw Gang--
so you KNOW I learned alot about medicine from that show!
Right.
So all of my tv-watching had prepared me for yesterday:

The Caboose got a sliver at school.
That's the first thing she showed me when I saw her:
"Here, Mom, look it's way deep and it hurts so bad. It's my writing hand. I can't answer the phone. I can't make my bed or my homework!"

I looked at her little ring finger,
and you could see it was way down
under her fingernail.

"What do you wanna do about it? I asked.
Do you want me to get it out
or
do you want me to show you
how to get it out?"

"You! I can't look at it."
She stood squeezing her finger so tightly
that it was now red and swollen
and she is bouncing on her toes
and shaking her hand.
Channeling Dr. Bailey,
I pulled the hydrogen peroxide outta the cupboard,
and a sewing needle and tweezers.

Her bouncing got frenetic,
and every time I was ready to get serious
and pry the sliver out,
she'd say,
"Just a minute! Wait a second! Not yet!"
then the tears started coming--
"I'm just a little girl! I'm a chicken! It hurts so bad!"
(Me and Mr W had to turn our heads away so she wouldn't see us grinning.)

So I have to calm her down--STAT--
the Boofus comes into the bathroom and says,
offering his hand:
"You can squeeze my hand as hard as you want, Ari."

She tries, but it's not doing it for her.

Mr. Wonderful comes up,
and says,
"Sit on my lap. I'll hold you while Mom gets it out."--
which, I thought, was very O'Malley of him.

She sits for a second and gets up unsatisfied.

"Can't you just cut my finger off?! It's killing me!" 
( I am so not kidding, she said that. lol)

I pour a little hydrogen peroxide in a little cap
and tell her to soak her finger in it--
hoping that whatever is stuck down there,
will swell up a little,
to make it easier to fetch.

Ari liked soaking her finger,
it even calmed her down so that I could talk to her, Izzy-style.

"Sis, it's just a sliver. A splinter.  And this isn't going to be the last splinter
you're going to get over your whole life.  N' if it were Me, I'd want to remove it
myself.  So here, take this needle and pry it out on your own.  You can do this."

"But it's going to hurt!"

"It hurts anyway, we gotta get this sucker out so it stops hurting! 
So let's think about this. Do you want the pain to stop in a moment or do you wanna go to bed
with a sliver in your finger?"

She looks up, nervous and says she doesn't think she can do it.
I assure her she can about 400 zillion times.
When she removed her finger tip from the hydrogen peroxide,
she could plainly see the sliver under her nail.
We used the nail clippers, clipping the nail down pretty good,
and could just see one end of the sliver exposed.
"See! There it is!"

The whole Master bathroom O.R. erupts in joy!

She takes the scalpel, er, needle and cautiously slides it under the sliver--
IT MOVED!!
"You're Doing It!
Keep going!"

"You guys are making me nervous. Shut up, Joe."

Right then, at that moment,
I knew she was going to live another day.
She had this--
she would live to tell the tale of
"The Giant Sliver".

As she pried a little more,
the virtual thorn in her side finger
popped out.
Really, it just popped right out;
and she collapsed onto the counter,
worn out by the mental exhaustion
and physical fatigue
she had been enduring close to 5 hours,
Mountain Standard Time.

With her little noggin on the counter,
her brow wet with perspiration,
her voice was weak but inspired,
"I did it, Mom. I did it."

And thus we see,
like sand through the hourglass
so are the Days of Our Lives...

Sugar Cookie Love

How to Make the Best Sugar Cookies Evah:

 Make them when the kids go to bed.

Because then, you get to decorate them while listening to 

The Carpenter's Christmas Album, circa 1972 

by yourself.

And if your dough is too slimy and makes mushy stars at first, 

noone cries while you add more flour to the mix, 

because it's taking too long.

And you have time to "pose" your cookie cutters for pictures.

And noone's eating the dough.

You get to hog the cookie cutters.

And even make the Peanut Butter Blossoms while 

the sugar cookie dough is in the fridge.

N' ya don't gotta yell at anyone for eating the chocolate kisses 

before the peanut butter cookies are finished baking.

Then you getta drink a big ole glass of milk in the sweet smelling kitchen totally silent.

And the yahoos wake up thinking 

You.

Are.

The.

Best.

Mom.

in the World.