Fridge Wars

Dontcha love it when your kids fight over 

Who Loves You Most?

What?- that's never happened in your house?

It happened at my house just this last weekend.

On my fridge.

Between my two oldest girls, Dani and Nana.

It started with a "love note" left by Diana on Friday which she wrote on the freezer door:

"LOVE YOU MOMZA (heart) Nana"

 Then Dani and her boys came down on Saturday and she added:
"But not as much as Dani loves you, Mom."
Ack! The gauntlet was thrown!

 Every few minutes, another bit was added:

Nana: "You know where liars go!"
Dani: ' Yeah-to the basement. Besides- Mom, you know I loved you most first. I even created two more people who love you.
Nana: "Heard they're now gathering in Golden. (in response to the "where liars go").
          "But I Love her all the day. And we both know I'm her favorite anyways..."
Dani: (responding to liars in Golden) "You heard wrong."
Nana: "Did you not get the memo?"

 Dani: "That right there (pointed arrow up) is why you live in the basement."
Nana: "Please refer to previous statement."

 Dani: "Yes, I did get your memo--No, I don't think mom is crazy! How dare you say that in a memo to me! I love that woman!"
Nana: "I think you're reading too much into things. I said you're crazy not to love that woman. Sheesh learn to read."

 Ahhhh...it's good to be loved.  Even if it's expressed in dry erase ink on my fridge.

Look-Out Posts and Perspective: Take Two

*This is a re-work of a post I wrote last week and decided I could do it better as I search my feelings regarding a teen suicide in our community.


Look-Out Posts and Perspective.


Last week, I took my daughter to a candlelight memorial
for a friend of hers who took her own life on Wednesday.
I've never done that before--
driven my daughter to high school so she could stand in a crowd full of students
who held candles and each other,
who spoke in soft tones all asking the same question:
"Why?"
It was a surreal experience for me.

At first, Daisie wasn't sure she wanted to go--
she'd known the young girl in middle school
but they'd gone to different high schools--
and while we were talking about whether or not she wanted to go,
I offered that the reason people go to these kind of events
is not for the person who is gone,
but for the people left behind.
So she went with that thought in mind,
expecting to be there for just a few minutes.
I waited in the car with Joseph and Ari
because they didn't know the girl at all,
and it was super windy and cold outside.

We'd barely waited 10 minutes,
when I got a text from Daisie saying she was ready to go,
so I pulled the car back around to the front of the school
where the crowd was gathered
and just as I got there,
I saw Daisie wrapped around another classmate
who was sobbing.
So, I continued around and parked the car again.
Fifteen minutes later she texted again that she was ready to go.
We picked her up and she was silent all the way home.

The question of "why?" rings out into the Universe
when someone takes their own life.
I've known people who've taken their own lives,
I bet you do too.
Emotions that alternate between confused, angry, helpless surface over and over again.
Feelings are different when death comes thru consequence of illness or accident
than suicide, right?
It's hard to find peace.

A bright, sweet, loving sixteen year old
hung herself and died.
Sixteen.
Just a little one with so much ahead of her.
I asked outloud
"Where were her friends?"
"What was going on in her family/ in her life
that she had no perspective?"
Daisie and I spent many hours pondering what went wrong,
trying to make sense of a senseless act.

Which led me to think about an experience I had and as I reflected upon it,
I shared with Daisie.

LIFE IS LONG.
And depending on where you are in life,
it can feel like a blessing or a curse.

On a vacation to Columbia Falls, Montana one year,
we took the whole family to a big maze.
It was a-maz-ing and we thought
it'd be a great way to spend some time together.

There were look-out posts on the four corners of the maze
and once you got to them,
you could climb up and get a good look at
where you'd come from
where you were
and where you needed to get to,
with a little planning
and remembering.

You also got to stamp your MAZE card
at the Look-Out Post--
to prove you hadn't cheated the journey.

At first, the maze was exciting--
everyone took off running like their bums were on fire--
each person claiming "Victory" before the race was won
based sheerly on their excitement of the challenge.

Getting to the first Look-Out post was fairly easy.
But getting to the second one,
not so much.
I found that as I chose a path I thought would lead me to the Look-out Post--
which I could clearly see,
as it was so much higher than the maze,
even so,
I frequently ran into walls
and had to turn around,
try to re-trace my steps
and go a different way.
The journey maze took longer than I imagined.

I also had some kids with me.
The older kids were off on their own.
Mr. W had the youngest on his shoulders,
and I had a couple of the youngest girls and 3-year-old Joseph
following me.
I felt the pressure to get it right, ya know?

Because this Maze was outdoors,
the summer sun became more a hindrance than a help.
Though we'd started the maze around 10:30am,
by 11:00 it was getting toasty.

And the girls and I were feeling like this Maze wasn't as much fun
as we thought it was going to be--
STILL, we kept hearing the successful finishes of other maze runners
who could ring a victory bell once they got to the end.

So we knew others had found their way out.
Yet, I got distracted--
sometimes I just wanted to run towards the ringing bell sound
instead of gauging my steps towards the Look Out Post.
Walking around corners that led nowhere,
retracing my steps again and again,
I made progress but it was slow.

When we finally got to the fourth and last Look Out Post,
I took more time trying to memorize the maze's turns to the finish line...
determined to get these little kids to a successful end.

As I walked down the steps of the Look Out Post,
I was thinking:
LEFT
RIGHT
RIGHT
Right?
or was it Left?
Shoot.
A Wall.
I was lost again.
Then, something neat happened:
my oldest son, who had long finished the maze,
was on an outside wall,
yelled over to me
"Mom?!"
"Yeah?" I answered.
 "You're almost done! Keep goin'!"

He then stood on the outside wall
and other family members came over there too,
and cheered us on to the finish line.
When we were finally done,
I looked back at the Maze, I thought,
"That was a lot harder than it looked."
I did my best and it was good enough--
even when we were
in the middle of the maze
n' there were some hairy moments when I didn't trust
my self or my instincts.


Life is kinda like that, isn't it?


We make plans,
we set our path,
and try as we might,
sometimes, we run into walls
and have to re-assess the situation
and begin again with our best efforts.


And even then, 
we can get lost.
So where do we turn to get a better perspective?
In my case,
I turn to my Savior.
My plea is always the same:
"help me to see things clearly."

Life is Long.
Thank goodness.
Time for do-overs and do-betters.
The things that pressed on my mind when I was a teenager
weren't relevant in my 20s,
and the same things that weighed on me in my twenty's
are certainly irrelevant in my 50th year.
Perspective is the grace that comes with endurance.
Holding on for the ride is it's own reward.

Ari asked me if the young woman would go to heaven or hell because she took her own life?
The image I have in my mind is that this young woman was received with open arms
by those on the other side,
and surely by our Savior and Redeemer, Jesus Christ.
Only He could've eased the pain that enveloped her whole self so much
that she took her own life.

What effect has this experience had on me?
I'm trying to see people more clearly,
than things.

Mothering Stretchmarks

The trail is silvery
Winding east to west
North to south
Spidering off towards
No-Man’s Land…

Each trail was forged
By eruptions
Stretching the land
By uncontrollable growth
Inevitable bursting of a fertile ground.

The trails started beneath the surface
But forces of nature
Took over and pushed open the land
The power beneath too strong to bear.

First a little line
Then a stretched-out jag
And even a red and purple-y highway
Looking much like the London Underground
Or the multi-laned highways that circle
the larger-than-life city of Houston.
Deceptive in both their origins
and final destinations…
these trails of mine.

I look.
I wince.
I look again.
Is that silvery highway
Really all mine?
I stare and trace my fingers
Over my skin that tells the story.
My Story:
The Journey of Motherhood.
The criss-crossed stretching-marks
Of seven full-term pregnancies.

I was that mother that caressed her
bulging tummy
loving my baby
singing and humming tunes
I hoped would reach baby’s ears.
Cocoa butter provided only moisture
And a reason to rub love into my baby…
But it didn’t hold back the
Inevitable stretchmarks that brought
disapproval to my ego
when I was younger.
I couldn’t bear to look at them.
By the third go-round,
I stopped looking
And kept moving.
I lost baby weight
And still they were there—
Those journey trails…

The older trails are silvery and nearly invisible
While the last journey’s trails
are still vivid;
Nine pound babies need lots of room.
Did you know that?
They do.

I’m curious nowadays.
I look and wonder,
“which baby did that one?”
“Oh, that one will never go away.”
“Wow. There’s a story with these.”

The truth is,
I have a Mother’s Body.
I have been a vessal of creation.

My hair is thinner…gray is coming in.
Oh I do so embrace the gray;
like a silver medal of honor—
I’ve been in the trenches of
Diaper pails, teething fevers,
Sleepless nights, fretful fears.
And I’ve survived.

My eyes are not as bright as
the days of my former youth.
They’ve cried tubfulls of tears
for joys and worries alike.
At the wonders of first words
First steps, first days of school,
Mission farewells, Homecomings,
And around sacred temple alters.
My eyes have given me a front row seat
To the spectacle that is my life.

At the end of this ordinary day,
I am slower than I used to be—
I cannot just ‘jump up’ and get going…
No, my moves are deliberate
because my muscles get tight when I sit
too long.
Those muscles used to have a knee-jerk reaction
when a baby cried
a dish broke
a chair tipped
And still on occasion forget they are stiff
when a midnight phone call wakes me.

All of my body has been
Used up to grow a family.

 The word "stretchmark"
may as well define the "stretching" I have done as a woman
as well as
the stretching my body and soul
has done to become a mother.
And at the end of the day,
it's really ALL GOOD.

Morning Conversations with Ari

Lead In: The Caboose and I have had a battle of the wills when it comes to dressing properly for bed.  She has many sets of pj's, but has been choosing to wear school shirts to bed instead of a pj top.  The following occured at breakfast:

Momza: Is that a school shirt?  After I told you last night NOT to wear a school shirt to bed?
Ari, in a low, happy voice:  Surprise!

Why I Read Blogs

I love writing, so I blog.
I love reading, so being in the blogging world reading others' thoughts about their journeys--
is kinda like a marriage of the minds, ya know?

I read in sickness and in health
for richer or for poorer...
you write it, I'm gonna read it.
There will be days of simple head-nodding on my part,
or honest-to-goodness cheerleading,
days of sympathy,
days that are just ordinary days.
It doesn't matter,
really, because I'm still going to click on your little blog
and read what you're observing in your life--
that's what bloggers do, right?

Once in awhile, I come across blogs that change me:
Daily Scoop
NieNie
Matt, Liz and Madeline
Enjoying The Small Things


Blogs where ordinary people face extraordinary sorrows and share their experience so honestly,
that, just to visit their blog lingers inside of my heart long after I've walked away from the pc
and even when I'm standing in the kitchen making dinner, I think about them.

Last night, I came across a blog that lingered in my mind all night long.
One that soon after I read just a few posts,
I got up and went n' found my babies and put my arms around them.
And man, the tears keep coming.
If you don't know Anne from An Inch of Gray 
you need to.
An eloquent writer, but first a Mother.
A mother who is grieving her son, Jack.
Take a tissue, go over and love her with your mother-heart.

This is the real deal. It's why we came to Blogland long ago.

Always a Day Late...

So Joseph went into Boy Scouts from Cub Scouts
just about the time I finally got all of his badges bought and sewn onto his
official Boy Scout shirt and finally got his webelos hat and neckerchief.

I know.

Well, I was trying to be mindful about staying on top of things
when he became an official Boy Scout.
I went right out and got the needed insignia and accessories.
Instead of sewing them on his new khaki shirt,
I thought I'd be smart and use stitch-witchery to iron the
badges on.

Did you know that stitch-witchery doesn't work on synthetic fabrics?
I didn't know that either.
So I ironed about 8 badges on and sent the boy out to his scout meeting.

The next time I saw him,
his shirt was missing every stinkin' badge but one.
That was in November.

I know.

But, in my defense, much of November is a complete blur
because of the car accident
remember?
I just kept forgetting is all.

Until today.
Today I remembered--
and tonight is Scouts!
N' they sell this double-sided tape stuff at the Scout Store
so I rushed right home and got those new badges on the shirt again.
I even ironed the shirt to make it look all spiffy.
MY Scout was gonna look Awesome tonight, oh yeah!
{sigh}
Then, I re-read a recent email from his deacon's quorum president:

"Anyways, yes we are doing the Duty to God project, Physical Health. How will we do the pull ups? Its the Physical Health part on page 31 in the Duty to God book. For this activity you dont need to wear your scout shirts. It gets a little uncomfortable."

I know, right?
But, guess what chicken butt?
He'll be ready next week!

11o Coat-Wearing-Weather and Anonymous Comments

All of the yahoos wore coats today.
Real coats.
Not hoodies or sweaters or wanna-be coats.
Nope, real-intended-for-freezing-weather-coats.

This comes on the heels of a very very BBRRRR-freakin'-cold yesterday,
where the idea of wearing a real coat was offensive to my
Colorado-born children,
who scoffed at the very idea of needing proper clothing
for actual "warmth"...
and after the Caboose froze her bahooey off waiting for me
on a corner after school yesterday,
where it was so COLD that the school sent an official email out
saying that Kiss N' Go students would remain INSIDE the building
until their parent arrived at the door.
No Kidding.
It was 11o before the windchill--and there were windgusts of 25mph.
But the Caboose thought I wouldn't get the message.
So
SO
She took her little carpool buddy and waited outside on our regular corner.

Now, thinking that there was nothing but a full parking lot of parents in line to pick up kids,
I thought to myself:
"Self, wait a bit before heading over there, because you'll just sit in line."
So I did.
And when I got there,
the parking lot was near-empty.
I waited.
N' Waited.
N' WAITED.
About 5 minutes or more.

Then*ding* the thought came to my noggin
that perhaps the little darlings had ignored the school's warnings
and were at our designated pick-up place,
so I pulled outta the parking lot and looked down the street.

Yup. There they were.
Them and a freezing-cold crossing guard.

I yelled out to the adult, "I'm sorry, I got the email and have been waiting over at the school."
To which, her trembly, blue lips replied: "These girls insisted that they had to be here. [grumble, grumble]--They need to wear COATS to school!"

When the Caboose and her frozen buddy (also not wearing a coat) climbed into the warm car,
chattering about how cold it was,
I said, "Wow. It's too bad your mommas don't buy you girls coats, isn't it?"
***

AND, to motivate Daisie to wearing her very expensive North Face jacket,
instead of a "fashionable but impractical" cotton one--
I was an eensy bit rude.
When I went to pick her up at school,
with the wind howling and snow flying--
I rolled up to the school going 5 mph (noone was behind me)
and even occasionally stopped on the way up the drive there,
in her full view.
mwah ha ha.
When she too, climbed in complaining of waiting outside in the cold,
I think I may have repeated the same "It's too bad your mother won't buy you a good coat."

SO this morning,
I am grateful to say that my Colorado-born/raised children
actually put on shoes that covered their feet
n' walked out the door with good coats.

If nothing else,
at least their teachers will know that they OWN them, right?

****
Anonymous Comments:
I don't know what happened

or how it happened
but all of a sudden my COMMENTS box
has been filling up with spam left by
Anonymous wingnuts.

Some aren't even in english, no kidding.

So I've poked around on my settings a bit
and am no longer allowing
Anonymous comments.

Has anyone else had this problem?
(hopefully I've adjusted my comments correctly so real people can still comment.)

The Caboose

The Caboose let me help her this morning,

and was even ok to let me take a couple of pictures.

 We curled the ends, then pulled a little bit back. 

The youngest of 7, 

I hope she takes her sweet time growing up.

Building a Stronger Child V-- Peers and their Influence

Peers and their Influence:
From the 5th grade to 12th you don’t have your kid—everyone else does, especially his or her FRIENDS!!
Again, back to expectations. Many 15 yr olds expect a car on their 16th birthday—that is a peer-induced pressure. Kids need to learn to earn. The Entitlement Trap is in full bloom at this time. (From Momza: We "judge" our kids' friends based on how those friends affect our relationship with our child. If it's negative, then we don't support that friendship. period. Some children lack the maturity needed when they have a friend that asks them to compromise their family rules/expectations--so we step in.)


What’s a reasonable way for parents to teach their children how to learn to earn?
Parents can teach their children to learn to earn without excessively rewarding them. If a parent’s weekly allowance for chores (and WE actually had chores to do, not just keeping our rooms clean…) was
$1.00 a week, then don’t pay your child $10 a week for helping in the yard, helping with the housework, learning to do laundry, etc. A relatively small amount, or ‘banking’ that earning for something really important to the child (or to the family) will teach them a better lesson than racking up a huge bank account, or shopping away 2 or 3 weeks’ worth of chore money. For bigger items like the first car, setting that goal of what the child will or can do above and beyond the weekly expected chores is another great way for the adolescent to learn to earn. The bigger stuff is a perfect time to allow that child to stretch into responsibility---but don’t fire up that helicopter!
Just think about it…learn to earn: it’s a pretty simple concept that can be applied to most any family dynamic.


What should be the goal of every parent?
Every parent want their kid to be happy, and the expectations that parents have for their kids, and how the child generalizes those expectations (learns to work with those expectations to fit themselves) is the key to raising confident, successful children. For me the basic premise is always providing a consistent, positive message to the child, even when times are tough---and for those of you with teenagers or grown children know EXACTLY what I mean.
Can you suggest a book/resource/program that you’ve found helpful to parents? We read this book a while ago, and I remember that it was mentioned by some of my cadre of school psychologists when I was taking my master’s: Bringing Up Kids Without Tearing Them Down: How To Raise Confident, Successful Children, by Dr. Kevin Leman
Another book that made both me and my wife laugh was titled something like “Mom! Get out of My Life!But will you first take me and Cheryl to the mall?” If you can’t find something to laugh about in the journey of raising your kid, then your kid will always see you crying. My take on that is NEVER let them see you sweat!


***

I just want to thank my BIL, Zane for taking time from his busy life to share his experience and wisdom with me and all of You.  I'm always interested in learning more about raising children into happy, loving, responsible adults and this series adds to my understanding.

Morning Conversation

 "Ari, why don't you come upstairs and let me help you fix your hair this morning?" She always fixes her own hair the same exact way--up in a ponytail. It could be so cute if she tried a little.
"What kind of fixing are you talking about?"
"Hmm, how 'bout a couple of braided pigtails?" Keep it simple, but out of her face.
"How many?"
"Two." Didn't I just say, aw nevermind.
"I don't like high ponytails."
"OK, well I'll keep them low. C'mon, it'll be cute and only takes a minute." Ohhh, she's baited. YESSSS.

I pull out the always-there singular ponytail and run a brush through her shoulder-length mane.

"Is your hair clean?" Because I know I told you last night that if you didn't shower before bed, you most definitely would have to shower and wash your hair before school in the morning. And here you are, fully dressed for school with what looks like dirty hair.


"No." She says, shaking her head and peeking thru guilty eyes.

"You have plenty of time to shower and wash your hair. So get in it right now." Seriously, girl. Why'd you try to pull one over on me? And when oh WHEN are you going to start caring for your hair?!
"I don't have time!"
"Yes, you do. You have an hour before you have to leave."
Joseph: "Yeah, Ari, you've got time."
"Sheesh! Why does our family judge people's hair?"

I know this age. The one that's too busy to think about showers, clean fingernails, cute hairstyles and coordinated outfits.  She's a creature of habit right now--jeans, t-shirts, slip-on shoes and a ponytail is good enough.  And I know, before long--next year, to be precise--when she enters middle school, that these carefree days will be gone and she'll start to fret over how she looks.  It's a blessing and a curse, this growing up stuff.  

She finishes her shower, comes out with the predictable ponytail and headband and says, "You can fix it fancy tomorrow."
Shoot. Missed my chance today.
I tug at her shirt, straighten the collar and button plack, then pull her in tight for a hug.
"You look nice."

Building A Stronger Child IV

This is 4 of 5 in a series with answers by a Child Education Psychologist and my BIL, Zane.

Setting Boundaries:
Setting boundaries for kids gives security to them. Knowing the expectations upfront creates goals. Parents should set the expectations—based on faith, ideals, values, etc. Being consistent in your
expectations is critical. Repetition is essential. Be consistent. When setting the expectations, focus on the Positive. Also make sure there are consequences that are constructive and relevant.

What’s the best, effective way to share or state what those expectations are to a child?
For young children, modeling and reinforcing the expectations you have is a start. Break expectations with regards to boundaries you have for younger children into ‘manageable’ parts so that they can learn to build on them.
For older children, and clearly for adolescents, letting them know when the boundaries are changing and why is the best practice. The problem often is that younger children work well within the boundaries and structure that parents provide, but the older child, and again surely the adolescent, will try to move the boundaries without consequence---it’s part of the maturation process, but you may have never had to stake the boundaries and consequence quite as firmly as you do for a pre-teen or teenager.

How does a parent know if the boundaries they have set are reasonable and age-relevant?
Again, the consistency of the message in setting boundaries and reinforcing the consequences of ‘dancing’ outside them is a big part of this. It’s not a science, it’s an art---you may have to flex and bend on some things while standing firm on others. And not that I was always personally the best at this, but calmly explaining what your expectations are in clear language is a good way to deliver the news to teenagers. Of course, they want to negotiate / argue / reject. That’s part of the tape they will play as they mature, but a calm discussion always seemed to bring better results than the tense ones.
If your teenager rebels seemingly harshly over a new boundary, waiting until the air clears so that you can have a positive discussion might help in resolving the situation. One thing that always stopped that discussion in its tracks for me was the explanation by the teenager that…”well, so-and-so is doing it / gets to go / whatever!” Inside your head, you probably have your own parent’s voice ringing…”well if so-and-so jumped off a cliff…” I always found that this was a good time to go with your gut on this one: if that explanation sounds reasonable, OK, otherwise, the cliff-jumping analogy applies!
Boundaries are going to, and have to change as your child gets older. Consistency in the delivery of those expectations is the best policy. And I always try to remember that no child’s life was ever permanently ruined because your boundaries are different from his/her peers.

Ahhh The Weekend

Monday already?
It was a busy weekend:
Saturday morning we got right to it
and got the housework done,
then worked on organizing the garage
(I have yet to be able to pull my Sub
ALL THE WAY inside)
We moved things around in there last weekend
but the doggone car was still too long to fit
by about a bumpers' length.
So, we worked on that.
And we looked at garage organizational plans
and I came across this amazing system!

So going to do this!

It'll get things off the floor and the walls

and use the space on the ceiling for storage.

Brilliant, hunh?!

We got the kids to help us spiff up the yard,

take down holiday lights,

wash and vacuum the cars.

We also baked some cookies and took them over 

to some new neighbors who moved on our street this past week.

And then, later

Mr. W and I had a Date Night at Texas Roadhouse.

Delish!

Sunday is Church--it starts at 9am this year.

(last year it was @1pm)

I like the earlier meeting times,

altho my favorite time is the 10am slot.

Anywho, we got a new Bishopric yesterday--

it's kinda funny that when our Stake President announced why he was in attendance,

I immediately started thinking about 

"who it could be?"--

Bro. Bailey?

Bro. Bahr?

Bro. Gardner?

and on and on

and then he said Brother Hart's name

and it was like, 

"Oh yeah. Of course! I love his family."

We witnessed the mantel of Bishop literally settle upon his shoulders,

as he bore his testimony to us,

and that was probably one of the most spiritual experiences I've had 

in a long time.

***

After Sacrament,

we invited our Stake Patriarch, Bro. C, and his wife over for dinner.

He is our home teacher and she has been coming over with him

while our other home teacher has been deployed with the Air Force.

So we've gotten to know them for awhile now and love them.

We made fresh salmon steaks, rice pilaf, garlic bread and a salad with feta cheese.

I was excited and nervous. I know. It makes no sense,

but it was out of my comfort zone to invite them over

( they're so holy and all)

I wanted it to be extraordinarily good for them and our family.

Even writing this seems awkward, but hey! I am awkward so there you have it.

In my efforts to make things especially nice,

I had Joseph lay out my best lace tablecloth,

and Ari set the table with our special white dishes and "mexicans"--

the name she gave these goblets when she was about 3 years old

I don't know why she gave them such a name back then,

but the last time I asked her why,

she said they reminded her of a mexican restaurant,

so there ya go.

Anyway, the funniest thing was when Sister C called and said,

"Are you guys watching the game?"

"Uh no, the TV's not on, but we can turn it on for you."

"Oh good. I bleed blue."

"Blue? Oh is BYU playing?"

"Broncos, dear, Broncos--I don't want to just sit and watch the game, 

but would like to keep an eye on it."

"Oh sure, Kent'll love to have it on while you're here."

Isn't that so funny? This sister is old enough to be my mother and I woulda never guessed she was a football fan.

The evening went so well. I'm so grateful to know them and have them in our lives.

The fact that the Broncos won put the cherry on top!

Life is good.

I love my family.

I love my role as wife and mother. It is fulfilling and so much more exciting than I ever imagined it could be.

In our "Don't Suck" efforts we're doing good--

"Doing our Part"

"Being a Good Example"

"Serving Others"

"Doing what other people who don't suck, Do."

I think we're onto something.

Building a Stronger Child III

This is Part 3 of 5 in a Series with answers by a Child Education Psychologist, who happens to be my awesome Brother-in-Love, Zane.  If you have particular questions, feel free to either leave them in the comments section or email me directly and I'll f/w them to him.

Understanding How Your Child Learns:
Every one learns differently. It’s important for parents to know how their child learns best.
Some types of learners include: visual, audio, and tactile.
Many parents are surprised to learn at IEP (Individualized Education Plan) meetings, and through psychological evaluations, how their children learn, or more specifically what that child’s individual strengths and weaknesses are.

Knowing how your child learns benefits you both because… This goes back to something I said earlier: if you know how your child learns, then you can help a new teacher bring out the best in your child more quickly. For children in special education, the partnership with your child’s case manager is very much like a marriage: rocky sometimes, especially at the start or with a change of scenery (classroom teacher, or subject-matter), but you work on it constantly for the benefit of your child. Helping your child experience success with the support of special education is HUGE in helping turn around your child’s feelings toward school (see below).

What if you suspect your child learns differently, what’s the first proactive step you can take to support them?
Let the teacher know what you might suspect, so that you can work together to determine what supports can be provided to your child in the classroom and at home. If your child had success with previous teachers, ask them what worked best for your child if you aren’t sure.

Special Education students feel “failure” significantly because it usually takes at least a few years before their needs for additional support is recognized—usually because of the many poor marks in school (failures) that accumulate before someone notices that the student has a unique way of learning and needs support services. By that time, the student’s peers have also noticed the failures.
Can you expand on what effect that has on the student?
Children with learning difficulties often sense from an early age that they don’t learn the same as their classmates, and certainly any friends that they have in class. This can lead to an early disconnect from the classroom. If you as the parent are lucky enough to have your child’s teacher see this at an early stage, then you can work together to provide some in-class and at-home supports to modify work so that the child can demonstrate his/her skills. Remember, with Federal legislation like No Child Left Behind, and the reauthorization of special education laws, any classroom teacher can provide whatever modifications and accommodations necessary so that the child can start to experience success in the classroom. A child doesn’t have to have an IEP to receive this type of in-class support. If these interventions are successful, they need to be documented in the child’s records, so that they can be used or refined from year to year.
Some children need supports through special education services in order to learn in the classroom---but again, by the time these supports are in place, the child may already feel like a failure at school, and these feelings may extend to “work” at home, with their friends and in the community.
Helping a child who receives special education services to feel that success in school, either again or maybe for the first time, will take a lot of work, and a whole lot of patience.

*This is Pt. 3 of a Series of 5.

What Is Menu Sharing?

Menu Sharing was introduced into my life last September
and I am loving it!
A new gal moved into our ward and brought this amazing plan with her!
At first, it was just 3 of us
and then we invited one more sister from church to join us
and there's been no looking back!

One of the things that makes this easy is that we all live pretty close to one another--not in the same
neighborhood--but within a one mile round-trip radius.

We set up some basic guidelines:

• Meals are delivered between 5-5:30pm. Hot food should be hot, cold food cold.
• If you're gonna be late or miss it altogether (so far, none of us has missed)
• then let us know ASAP so we can make a back-up meal if we need to.
• If the meal is frozen, get it to us by 3pm.
• Make it healthy...use lean meats, low fat cheeses, etc.
• Your part of the meal is the main dish--bring whatever's necessary for that, ie: tacos would include lettuce, tomato, cheese, onion, and tortillas. 
• The side dishes are up to the individual to prepare for her own family. 
• Write your name on your dishes.  
• We have invested in lots of tupperware-ish containers to make it easy to haul and deliver.
• Each meal is equivalent to 5 adult servings.

And that's about it, I think. We present our menus for the next month, during the last week of each month. And we decide if we want to have a "theme" week too.  So far, we've had Greek Week and Mexican week.  

Wanna see a couple of our menus?

This was September:

9/12 (Connie) Sweet & Sour Meatballs 
9/13 (Dawn) Stuffed Pork Chops
9/14 (Jen) Taco Salad 

9/19 (Connie) French Market Soup 
9/20 (Dawn) Chicken Enchiladas 
9/21 (Jen) Crock-pot tortellini 


9/26 (Connie) Chili
9/27 (Dawn) London Broil 
9/28 (Jen) Pulled pork sandwiches 

Here's January--minus Karen's (she hadn't gotten her menu to us by the time we made this list)

*the points on the end are related to Weight Watchers, which all of us are attempting)

      8 - Connie- Fettuccine Alfred with Broccoli (9pp)
> > 9 - Karen
> > 10 - Dawn - Chicken Enchiladas (3 points for being awesome!)
> > 11 - Jen - Apple braised chicken (6 pts)
> > 
> > 15 - Connie--Sweet potato sausage skillet (6pp)
> > 16 - Karen
> > 17 - Dawn - Psycho chili w/ cornbread
> > 18 - Jen - Garlic herb roasted pork loin (5 pts)
> > 
> > 22 - Connie-- African Beef Curry (5pp not including rice or optional toppings)
> > 23 - Karen 
> > 24 - Dawn - Whole Wheat Spaghetti w/ zucchini marinara sauce
> > 25 - Jen - Cuban-style Pork & Sweet potato stew (need crock pots) (7 pts)
> > 
> > 29 - Connie-- Ham and Salami Jambalaya (6pp)
> > 30 - Karen 
> > 31 - Dawn - Rotisserie Chicken w/ Italian Herb Bread
> > 1 - Jen - Orange chipotle BBQ Pork chops w/ grilled onions (5 pts)

Is your mouth watering yet?  I know, right?!  

Some of the benefits of menu sharing:

1. I don't have to cook as often.
2. The menu is varied and we love trying new things!
3. It has saved me money and time.
4. Leftovers for the weekend!

So, think about this idea. It could change your life!

Building a Stronger Child II

II-Academic and Parental Expectations:
What’s the difference between “Supporting” your child’s educational experience and “Helicoptering”? 
Supporting from my vantage point means that you have good, adult communication with your child’s teachers, including their expectations for your child both academically and behaviorally---allow your child to be a key part of this relationship, including the child taking responsibility for their efforts and work. “Helicoptering” means that you (the parent) control the relationship between your child and the teacher, and most often includes swooping in to rescue the child before he/she fails (or has the opportunity to correct that
failure as part of their relationship with the teacher, and thereby school) ---and very often the “helicopter parent” will do the work for (or at the very least with) the child to stave off any potential for a “sub-par” result.

How do we keep our efforts in check?
Try to be self-aware. This is reminiscent of a Jeff Foxworthy-ism, but here goes: if you think you might be a helicopter parent, then you probably are! This spoken from a guy who tried both sides of the parent-teacher relationship, and ultimately found the non-helicopter version much more satisfying for him AND his son! I became a teacher, special educator, and ultimately a school psychologist later in life, so I know a helicopter parent when I hear / see one coming!
Another good way to look at it is if the teacher gently asks you to let your kid do something to the best of their ability, then you might be at least revving the engines and rotors without lift-off. A good positive, adult relationship with your child’s teacher will go a long way to keeping you from “flying the bird.”


What if your relationship with a particular teacher is not a good one, because of basic personality differences—what can be done?
Let’s face it, sometimes you don’t like a teacher, but what if your kid does? Or visa-versa? If you both don’t have that great feeling, try seeking out the parents of a child in that class---without rounding up support for your own feelings. Maybe that other parent can help you see how to work with that teacher. Again, that positive adult relationship with the teacher needs to be established, so that you can comfortably tell them that “you’re not feeling it!” If that doesn’t cut it, talk with the school principal or vice principal. For the most part, a good site administrator is very welcoming in this type of discussion, and may have a different insight than was provided by the teacher or other parents.

How can we best support our children even when they fail at things?
One of the things that we are all guilty of is trying to protect our children from failure, but that is a way for the child to develop some self-reliance in facing and overcoming that failure, and learning to understand and accept the expectations of non-parent adults. Failure isn’t being retained for a grade, but can be suddenly not “getting” math the way they used to, or missing the point of the short story in writing the response essay. Support from you in working with the teacher to correct this will help your child to learn how to ask for help themselves the next time.

Dear Mormon Tabernacle Choir

When I was a youngun'
I thought your music was, well,
too "church-y", "corny", I even put it in the
"elevator music" category.

But, like Paul says,
when I grew up I put away childish-ness.

I love your music.
I love how your music fills my soul
with peace and love.

I got an ipod shuffle for Christmas
and the first cd I wanted on there
was
Love At Home...
because those songs speak to me
like no other songs do.

Your music is in my car--
did you know that
you put whiny children
to sleep?
N' that when grumpy/tired teenagers
get in my car
and hear your music--
even if they don't really like it (yet)
that they calm down and by the time we
pull into the driveway,
they're smiling?
They even talk without a "huff".
It's true.

When I play your cd's in the kitchen early in the morning
breakfast is happier
words are softer
my kid's don't complain about hearing you
as they eat their cheerios or gather their backpacks.
That's important to me because
I want your sweet tones to fill their insides
before leaving the safest place on earth
and heading out into the world
so they feel the difference the Spirit brings.
I want your music to feel like home to them
even when they are far away.
Especially, when they are far away.

Mopping my kitchen floor
Washing the dishes
folding laundry
or answering emails--
the monotony of daily life
is sweeter with you as my background music.

You remind me of heaven.
Thank you,
ALL of You
who bring your very best
who sacrifice in your daily lives
to be a part of something so divine
that I can feel my Savior's love
because of you.
I love you, Mormon Tabernacle Choir.

Dear Julie B. Beck

Dear Sister Beck,
I just love you. Your messages about faith and family and womanhood lift and inspire me.

Dear Sister Beck,
I think you're so neat.  Would you ever consider going out to lunch sometime?  I love the Olive Garden and their breadsticks. 


Dear Sr. B.,
Who does your hair? I'm your biggest fan.

Dear Julie,
Hey there, how's it going? Big meeting with President Monson today?  Anything you can share?

Dear Jules,
Can I call you Jules?

Dear Julie Beck,
I think you're awesome.  And if you wanted to be my BFF, I would totally be okay with that. We could hang out, and go shopping together. Or we could just sit at the table and chat about how cool you are, and the women of the world that you visit are too.  But if you're on your way over, will you call first?  I'd hate to have laundry sitting on the sofa when you got here.

Love,
Momza

Building A Stronger Child

“Raising children is like being pecked to death by chickens.”

“No other success can compensate for failure in the home.”

Last November, a thought popped into my head. It stirred around and around until it settled in, good and deep and I decided to act upon it. My brother-in-love, Zane, is a School Psychologist in what he describes at as a “Middle Class, Blue Collar District” in the Bay Area of California. He is an intelligent, well-spoken advocate for children in his profession. So I called him and asked if he’d be on board to help me write a few posts on how to help parents be better parents, because I think he’s seen enough, heard enough-- the good, the bad and the ugly-- that his counsel is valid and has the potential to really help us parents who are still in the trenches striving to reach our goal of raising our children into healthy, responsible, loving adults. That is our goal, right? And most of us haven’t gone to school for Educational Psychology or the like, so having access to a professional who also holds a Masters Degree in Educational Psychology is a gift to the rest of us. I asked the questions and he answered!
Zane has agreed to share his counsel in several areas:
I- Social Skills
II- Academic & Parental Expectations
III- Understanding How Your Child Learns
IV- Setting Boundaries
V- Peers and their Influence


I-Social Skills and the effect they have on our children:
Zane observes that the overall condition of our society has been damaged by the lack of social skills: manners, courtesy, respect for one’s self and our neighbor has gone down the tubes. These behaviors are taught in the home and are reflected in the community and particularly at school. As a result of the lack of training children basic social skills, we’ve seen an increase of disrespect essentially everywhere we turn. According to Zane, one of the guru’s for building positive behaviors in children, and for whom he has great respect, has a saying: There are no bad behaviors, only deficits in social skills. (Write that down somewhere.)
Momza:
Because I think of building a home in the context of actually building something, I think of the “materials” I use to build the foundation.
The first material for me, is R-E-S-P-E-C-T.
I know for myself that I cringe when my children are disrespectful to me or their father, or to their siblings, even. And I do not let it pass unnoticed. If I do, it comes across to my child as an acceptable form of behavior and communication. One of the things I say to the offender: “Is that how you want to talk to me?” or  “What kind of response are you hoping for, because talking to me in that tone will get you nowhere. “ And sometimes it’s a simple, but direct: “Start Over.” I firmly believe that we teach others how to treat us and that teaching starts in our living rooms.
Another material poured into the foundation is Consistency. This is an area Zane believes parents and teachers needs to focus on constantly when imparting all kinds of lessons for kids, but especially when it comes to acceptable behavior.
My goal is to be 100% predictable in my moral and ethical codes. Wishy-washiness is a recipe for disaster. I lose credibility if my temperament changes like the weather forecast. “Yes Today, No Tomorrow.” Kids learn to manipulate me when everything is negotiable, ever notice that? I know that if I say "yes" to something I'd rather say "no" to, it will come back to bite me in the bum.  It also affects their feelings of stability. If you’re not accountable to anything, why should they?

Zane notes that many of our parents were the Depression Era babies; they worked hard to give us more than they had, and we have continued that tradition. Until now, where there exists an Entitlement Trap Generation.
IE: Children’s sports teams where trophies are given to everyone because parents don’t want their kids to feel like failures or to taste defeat. They shield the child from negative experiences/feelings. We’ve prevented our kids from feeling failure, but the lesson still needs to be learned and will be learned sooner or later. The best thing would be for the lesson to be learned sooner than later in life so that the kid discovers his own strengths while he is young and learns how to move forward in spite of challenges rather than being too discouraged/inexperienced with failure to put forth more effort/have the confidence to try again.
Long term effects?
Parents won’t be going to college, or for that matter into the workforce, with their kids. Yet there are “helicopter parents” that hover over their child that need to get out of the way of life’s natural consequences. Instead of being supportive, helicopter parents want to alleviate any consequences that are painful on any level.
Question: If your child is now a teenager, what can you do to introduce better communication with them, and reestablish respect into the relationship, if it’s not been a part of the dynamics before now?
Constantly, consistently modeling that appropriate behavior and communication---show them what you want to see from them! For adolescents, this will take a LOT of time, patience, and…well time and patience. Oh, and consistency.
Academic & Parental Expectations should go hand in hand. Parents should take an active role to support their kids’ education and realize that teachers are their partners in educating their child.

How is this most effectively done, Zane?
First off is to understand your child’s strengths and weaknesses (and YES, we all have them!), know how they learn best, what interests them so that can be played on when something doesn’t interest them. If you don’t know what I mean, talk to a teacher your child has or recently had where they LOVED school or that subject. The teacher can help you understand what makes your kid tick in school.


****


I've broken down the 5 topics and will share the remaining 4 over the next 4 days.


If you have more comments or questions, feel free to leave them in the comments or email me directly.

My New Favorite Recipe: 505 Chicken

Easy. I love a good easy recipe for Sunday Dinner.
If I can throw it all in the crockpot,
that's even better.

Sunday before last, I looked in my kitchen
for something to do just that
and this is what I came up with:

505 Chicken
Into the crockpot:
Boneless, skinless chicken breasts, thawed (I had 6)
1/2 onion
1 jar of 505 Green Salsa (medium hot)
1 can black beans

It cooked for three and a half hours on HIGH.
Shred the chicken with 2 forks.
Serve over cooked rice.  Warmed Flour tortillas on the side.

Delicioso!!

I made it again, this time added green peppers and corn to it,
because Dani wanted me to and it was just as good!
*P.S. I added fresh cilantro and lime zest to the rice while it was cooking in the rice cooker to give it a bit of flavor.

Exercise of Not Sucking

It's Day Two into 2012
so I thought I'd re-cap where we are in our adventure of
"Don't Suck":
In the vein of "Do Your Part":
I've had to give a crash-course in
Cleaning the Bathroom
to the Caboose and Boofus
because they were under the impression
that since it is "their bathroom"
they could choose to keep it clean or not.
Good try, yahoos, good try.
Seriously, this was a two-day crash course.
It took so long because I let it take that long.
And then, I'd had enough and demanded results.


According to them, the reason it took so long is because
they didn't know I was "serious".
Hunh? How serious does a mom need to be over cleaning a bathroom?
Apparently, a clenched jaw and gritting teeth, makes a better point
than sayin',
"Guys, you need to clean your bathroom today."
Ugh.
What's funny is that
once the Caboose finished her bathroom
under my close supervision,
she did a bang-up job cleaning her room
with zero supervision.
I forget that the youngest yahoos haven't had to be as
responsible as the oldest--
they haven't had the blessing of a younger mom with more energy and spunk.
They haven't grown up with huge chore charts, etc.
My oldest yahoos let me know how much of a pushover I've become
compared to when I was younger.
It's true.
I have sucked.
But that ended in 2011.
The giant has awakened.
Heads will roll.
yada yada yada.

Okay, moving on...
"Be a Good Example"--
I tried to apply this "Don't Suck" principle
on Christmas Day while climbing into the Suburban
to go to Church.
The Caboose let me know that making a kid go to Church
on Christmas Day was three thousand kinds of wrong
and when she grows up, she will be a "nice mommy"
by letting her kids skip Church if, heaven forbid, it should ever fall on a Sunday.
I told her that considering the Birth of Christ is the reason for all existence,
I could live with her notion that I was less than a "nice mommy."

Serve Others:
We invited some friends over New Years' Eve--
even when I was dog-tired,
because, dang it, I wanna serve others.
And it's easier if you get to know them,
have them into your home,
and adding food to the effort makes it fun!
We sat around and ate everyone's potluck offerings,
talked about our goals for 2012,
and when it was time to say goodnight,
I was more than happy that we'd opened our home.
In fact, I'm looking forward to doing that more often.
We're all needy people.
We need each other,
not just at Christmas time
but all through the year.
And truly, we have some really neat people in our lives--
from our neighbors to our church members and others along the way.

And lastly,
in the sphere of "Do what other people who don't suck do."--
I made the conscious decision to "let things go" more often.
I'm not in competition with anyone else for anything else.
I love my life.
I'm a work in progress and so is everyone else.
So what if I didn't take a single Christmas day picture?
So what if I didn't capture New Years' Day either?
I lost a few presents for the kids before Christmas Day,
but instead of fretting about it,
I let it go and figured, (rightly so), that they would turn up
eventually.
And they did.
I'm thinking that other people who don't suck
are forgiving--
of others and themselves.
And they're patient across the board too.
N' they come up for air once in awhile and take a good look
at where they've come from and where they are
and just BE in the moment.
I can do this.
"Don't Suck"...it's working for me.